hair.....one year later

Last Thanksgiving (2011) Brian and I decided that it would be interesting to document the comeback of my hair through pictures.  Originally we were going to do a photo everyday.  That crazy thought was replaced with one a week very quickly.  But I couldn't even keep up with that.  So it just became a "hey it's been a while since we took a picture of my hair" type of schedule.  I tried to at least get documentation of each stage.  

Sorry that the dates are kind of difficult to read.  Guess I should have used a different font, but it looked fine when I was doing it in Photoshop.  I think you can click on it and it will open in a new window in a larger size if you really want to see them.

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you since you've shared in our journey all this time. 

I'm so glad we did this, and in fact I think I will continue it for another year.

I have a few observations about this little collage:

1.  I think it goes down as the most different

hairstyles in one year for sure.

2.  It definitely saw the boldest hairstyles I've 

ever even entertained.

3.  As a spinoff from #2, I do not ever remember

having the desire to shave my head, have 

a pixie cut or anything else shorter than

chin-length.  But while I have complained

about different issues with each stage,

I've also enjoyed a lot of things about

having short hair and would definitely do 

some of them again.

4.  You should try to get your husband or a girlfriend

to photograph you as much as possible when 

doing a project like this.  When no one else

is around and your kids are the ones behind

the camera they do not feel compelled to tell you

when you're making a crazy face.

Looking at this I also have one overall regret - that I didn't shed the hats, scarves and wig earlier.

I did go sans head cover at home most of the time, but always found a need to cover up if I was leaving the house - risk of sunburn, it was cold outside, the kids would be embarrassed, people would stare even more than they already did.  All valid reasons, but if I were to do it over (which I do not plan to do), I would be much more open to just being bald all the time.

This next part is just telling a little about some of the pictures individually.  Mostly for me, but if you're interested, keep on reading.

(Perhaps this is why I have fallen off the blogging wagon.....my posts end up being so long that it seems a bit overwhelming!)

Thanksgiving 2011
This was really more than just the beginning of documenting
my hair growth.  This picture was taken on Thanksgiving,
when I had finally started feeling better after the last chemo treatment,
and if I remember right, food tasted good again.
But more than that, I was DONE with chemo.
When I started feeling better after each of the prior treatments
it was just in time to start another one.
Now I no longer had to anticipate what lied before me with any more treatments!

Early December
There wasn't a whole lot of change in these few weeks,
but you can see some fuzzies starting to show up in these two pictures! 

Only one month since the first picture.

It looks so much darker looking at it now.

At the time it felt like it had not grown one millimeter. 

Christmas Day.

Shortly after this picture, I started to go places without my security blankets of hats, wigs or scarves.

It felt good.  I was self-conscious for a few days, feeling some stares sometimes but that's just human nature.  It honestly did not upset me at all.  It was awkward sometimes, but I was never upset or angry about it.  I think most people are just curious or want to say something to you but aren't sure if you'll be receptive to it so they unknowingly are still looking at you while they are deciding if they are going to be courageous and talk to you or not.  But most people were so kind and would even approach me sharing a cancer story of their own or just to say they would pray for me.  I always wish that I was that outgoing.  And my friends and family were so encouraging,

of course.  In fact, the primary reason that I decided it was time to let the world in on my hair journey was that my dad's cousin, Ellie, made such a fuss over how much she loved it when I saw her at Christmas.  She wasn't saying it was cute or that it looked great on me or that it suited my face (you know all those things that we want to hear about our hair every once in a while).  She just thought it was great and loved that I was wearing it like that.  She had gone through cancer journeys

with two of her sisters and talked to me for a long time about mine.  I completely understand and empathize that some people aren't sure if you want to talk about cancer when you have it.

Some people are uncomfortable talking about it with you.  Some people don't know what to say and would rather not say much, afraid of offending you or bringing up bad memories.  I've been all of those people in all different situations.  I'm always intrigued how some people are just naturally comfortable

conversing with others, especially in a crisis situation or awkward moments.  I am not one of them.  But Ellie seemed to be.  At least that evening.  I completely enjoyed our conversation

and went home with more confidence that it was time for me to put the head covers away for a while.

 Early February

By this point I was realizing two things.

Number 1 - my hair is really dark!

Number 2 - Earrings and make-up go a LONG way in

helping a girl enjoy extremely short hair!

End of February

 I like to call this the "Spock" phase.
Star Trek lovers, you know what I'm saying.
Live long and prosper, right?

Can't see much scalp anymore - yay!!

It still didn't look much like a style to me, but at least you couldn't see skin.
This is definitely not my favorite picture.
I'm not sure why I kept it, except that it reminds
me that it was difficult going through all of these
stages.

Skipping to June now.

Guess we weren't very good about

taking pictures in the spring.

It was finally starting to look like an actual

hairstyle to me here.

In fact, I would do this one again.

It actually required some kind of maintenance

at this point.  Well, if you call towel-drying your 

hair and finger-styling with a bit of gel maintenance.

It was most definitely the best stage as far as

balance of ease and actual style.

And here we have the crazy face in July.

I kept thinking that in all the other pictures

one of my eyes looked droopy.  So I thought

I would try to keep both of them open really

good to combat that.

Ouch!

The messy look in the hair doesn't help matters.

It was a fun style though.  I was tired of it

being flat on my head and tried to give it

a little oomph (is that a word? I don't know).

Not my favorite but it was okay.

Another July picture - few weeks later.

And a bit tamer!  I liked this stage, too.

Long enough to be a style yet still easy to maintain.

I was still using the gel product, because I didn't

want it to be too poofy.  It was also very wavy/curly

and not quite long enough to use a flat iron.

If I were to cut it like this again, I think I would

blowdry it and then define it using this Rough Paste

that my neighbor told me about that I love and have 

been using for months now.  It would have given

it definition without making it look wet all the time.

I didn't know about it at the time, and I've learned a LOT about

styling products in the past year.

September

It's getting long enough to use some clips

and headbands.

Not really a fan of this look.  I liked having my

bangs pulled back and doing something fun

with it for a change, but that's a LOT of forehead there!

October

This is what the boys call my "Mizzou" hair.

I wanted to get highlights to do something

different, and I would say it is the most

controversial hair move I have made - possibly ever.

Seemed like everyone had an opinion -and each one

was different - and no one was

shy about sharing it :)  Of course I asked everyone

for their opinion, so it was all good.  The people who really

had to live with it everyday liked it, so I kept it

for a while.  But every morning I would look in

the mirror and have to do a double-take.  I just could

not get used to the "gold".  I liked it.  I liked it

on other people.  I guess the problem was that 

I was already trying to get used to short short hair 

everyday,  and changing the color 

just threw me for a loop.  I felt so bad asking

my hairdresser if we could darken it.  I truly did

like her work - it just didn't look like ME anymore.

But she totally understood and got me in right away to 

put some toner on it.  So thankful for her!

So it looked more like this early November.

You can see that the toner made the highlights

look more reddish-brown (satiating my desire

for red hair just a little bit maybe).  I felt like

I was back in my own skin - funny how much effect

a hairstyle or color can have on you :)

This was early November also.

Just without the raised eyebrow, eye-drooping 

avoidance face that was present in the one above.

I like this stage also.  It's a little awkward around

the ears where it's trying to grow past them, but

the rough paste usually helps.

Thanksgiving 2012

I do like this stage and have definitely thought

about keeping it like this for a while.

I had just got it cut the day before Thanksgiving,

and we decided to stack the back layers, keeping

them shorter and tapered toward my neck, and to

let the front layers grow longer.  I'm hoping

this will keep the back from feeling so thick

and heavy while the front grows out (which

for some reason seems like it is 10 times slower

than the back).  

Observations about this stage are that you

definitely need a flat iron, good product for

volume and definition, and hair accessories.

Why, you ask?

Because every morning your hair will look like this:

And no matter how you slice it, that is not how you

want to walk out of the house....not even just to 

drop your kids off at school.  Trust me, 

they will be embarrassed.

Race for the Cure St. Louis

Did my first Race for the Cure with these ladies a few weeks ago.

It was very humbling, to me, as a survivor, to see this....

a sea of people all walking for the same purpose - to raise money for breast cancer research.

I'm forever grateful to them.

For giving up a Saturday morning to help those of us who have been on the receiving end of "You have breast cancer".

I don't know all the details about how much money goes where.

I think they said 75% of what was raised here in St. Louis stays here in St. Louis.

I'm certain, though, that if it were not for organizations and events like this, that the breast cancer research would not be as advanced as it is.

Which would have left us with a much different outlook last May when we first heard those words.

So, THANK YOU to any of you who have ever been a part of this or any other event like it!

The bubble bus. 

 Never seen anything like it. 

 It was supposed to mark the halfway point.  

I think their GPS was off, cause we were almost to the finish line by this point.

Either way, we were happy to see it cause it was starting to get pretty warm by this time.

Loved the view leading up to the finish line.

We saw lots of tutu-wearing guys supporting their girls (wives, moms, sisters, daughters, etc.)

Lots of love here.

This guy definitely gets best supporting male in my book.

I don't know if he was there for a certain person or just supportive in general, but he definitely took it to a new level!

There was a special "survivor" finish area marked by this banner.  I'm glad Larenda's mom was there with me cause I don't know that I would have seen it.

She had told me that last year some of the Rams cheerleaders were there to greet them and that they were able to take pictures with them.

We all kind of thought that the Rams football players would have been a better choice, and look what was waiting for us in the survivors' area.....

Yep, someone else must have thought that was a good idea too.

Unfortunately, we watch college football at our house and I have no idea who these guys are.

But they were so nice and fun to take a picture with!

I can't quite put my finger on the emotion that I have about this shirt.

For some reason I feel that I will never part with it.

It's almost as if I earned it, like it's a prize.  An accomplishment.

But it's difficult to earn something that you really had no choice in trying to earn.

To me, it's just something that God gave us to deal with, to teach us, to bless us, to bring us closer to him.  So I really don't feel that I've "done" anything.

Except that it was a long hard journey.

And with a lot of help I was allowed to survive it.

Maybe it's like a reward or a diploma.

Maybe this shirt just symbolizes the end of that part of the journey for me and the beginning of the next part.

Or maybe it's none of that mush and it just reminds me of a fun day with these ladies.

Regardless, I'm happy to have it.

P.S.  If you ever have an urge to take a tour on the MetroLink.......we're your gals!!

a peek inside the journal

An entry out of Ethan's school journal:

Just in case beginning first grade writing is new to you, it says 

"I'm happy.  It's my mom's last treatment.  I'm happy"

This was from October - my last big chemo treatment.

I didn't realize he thought so much about it.

I asked him about the picture.

He said it was him jumping up and down cause he's so

happy that it is my last treatment.

Then he looked at me with puppy dog eyes and 

snuggled up to me with a hug.

Love that kid!

awesome surprise

So Friday night I get a text from this girl:

who says that she's coming to whisk me away for the day on Saturday and to be ready to go by 7:45 AM....... and dress appropriately for eating out.  

I say I can't go, the boys have the Read, Right & Run Marathon that morning.  

She says Brian is taking them. 

 I'm pretty stern to Brian about the fact that I really wanted to go see the boys run the last mile of their marathon.  

He tells me that I pretty much don't have a choice and reluctantly lets me know that there are several people involved and it's really not something I want to miss 

(and that he's jealous of the place we're eating and that that's all he's going to say about it).

Hmmm.......Okay.  My mind churned most of the night - I didn't sleep well.  I couldn't figure out why I had to be dressed to go out to eat at 7:45 in the morning.  So early!

But, sure enough, around 7:45, this group of wonderful women surprised me at our front door...

in the "big white bus" as we affectionately called it the rest of the day.

Super glad to see them, but still wondering what was going on.

We did a little repair job on Mom's glasses after a minor mishap with the seat in the big white bus 

(note for the future:  getting instructions from the rental place on how to work the seats is always a good idea - especially if it's pouring down rain when trying to fix said seats so that persons can actually sit in them),

and then we rode around much of West County.....

with Amber at the wheel.....

and much more whispering than I was comfortable with :).....

until we arrived here in South County 

(I think.  Maybe Southwest?  Too much turning around.  Totally confused by this point)

So, as you can see for yourself in this picture, my great deductive reasoning skills clued me in to the fact that we had arrived at a huge event at a church....

for lots and lots of mostly women....

who were willing to stand outside in the rain to wait for the event to start.  Hmmmm.....

About an hour later we were enjoying this scene....

 Laura Story.

Wonderful, sweet girl.

Loved worshiping with her.

You may remember, from many months ago, me talking about her song, "Blessings".

It was very much a part of our cancer journey, and I was so excited to hear her sing it live!

And then this cute girl....

 Britt Nicole.

Again so sweet and such fun songs.

Love that she is a great role model for all the little girls out there.

And then this lovely lady....

Mandisa.

I don't know if I ever wrote about this last year, because of the timing, but Amber and I went to see her at Hoffman Estates last May.  She is so entertaining, has a beautiful voice, is a beautiful girl inside and out, and shares her heart so freely about the struggles that she has endured.  I left that concert a fan, but had no idea that just a week or so later we would be living our biggest struggle yet, and would be remembering that night as God's way of preparing me for what was ahead with her songs of inspiration and her stories of God's healing and deliverance to also give me hope in my situation.  We had wavered about going to the concert that night.  We knew it was a long drive home that night, and we thought we would just see how our time went.  Well, we had plenty of time, of course, went to the concert and loved every minute of it!  I am in constant amazement at how God orchestrates his plan for us.  How things come together at just the right time and just the right place.  I'm incredibly thankful that every once in a while he allows us to see how a tiny part of that plan is coming together - like this concert right before my diagnosis.  

No coincidence.  

Entirely His plan.

Her song "Stronger" has been my ringtone since being diagnosed.  It has been a constant presence in our journey.  So when she sang it at the very end of the concert I pretty much bawled like a baby.  It wasn't pretty.  And then I pretty much made everyone else cry too - no sense having red puffy eyes all alone, right?  I know they were all thanking me for that.  Anytime, girls, anytime.

Here we are at intermission.  I knew the concert had been sold out for weeks - actually I think it sold out within an hour.  But I just thought that Amber had heard about it when she was here one time and had been able to get tickets before they sold out.  Nope.  Mandisa's tour manager contacted her a few weeks ago saying that they wanted to give us tickets so that we could go to the concert!  Amber had contacted them a while back, telling them our story and the role Mandisa and her music had played in it, and they were so kind and generous to secure tickets for us!  Seriously they are the nicest people!  So Amber told me all of this at intermission.  I was really trying hard to process everything, but it all seemed kind of like a blur....all the surprises - my mind couldn't handle it.

THEN!!!!  The concert is over and all the girls are just sitting around.  Okay, I guess they just want to wait out the crowd.  They finally start moving toward a door, but it's on the opposite side of where we came in, but they don't seem to listen to me.  Then Vicki and Amber are almost at a run to get to the other door.  I'm so confused.  First they didn't want to leave.  Now they can't wait to get to the door, leaving us in the dust.  Then Amber pulls something out of the ticket envelope and shows it to the girl at the door.  And something magical happens......she lets us backstage!!!!

We got to meet Mandisa!!

How beautiful is she?? 

Mandisa's tour manager had arranged for us to come to a Meet and Greet so that I could personally tell Mandisa our story and thank her for sharing hers.

Although, I don't feel like I quite had it together to really say all the words that I really wanted her to hear from me.  Don't you hate when you know you have one and only one chance to do something and you really want to do it right and make it count, and that in itself makes you so nervous that you can't do it the way you want?  Is it just me?  Argh!!

I loved every minute of it, though - even when I stumbled all over my words :)

I hope she understood how grateful I was to her and what her music has meant to me this past year.

After we chatted a few minutes, she asked if I had one of her Stonger bracelets.  I said no (thinking in that split second, "why didn't I get the bracelet when Nyla and Vicki and Amber tried to get me to get one but I got a t-shirt instead?").

She said I had to have one and pulled one right off of her wrist.  Then she wrote a scripture on it (1Peter 5:10) and gave it to me.  Really?  Such a sweet sweet girl!

 And I was so excited that we got to meet Laura Story, also!!

She is expecting her first child, so she and Erin were talking baby stuff here.

I have no idea why I'm pulling on the bottom of my shirt or why I have that goofy look, but I was getting to tell her about how my friend, Lori, was friends with one of her friends, and Lori had actually gotten a CD signed by her for me last year after I had talked about how much I liked "Blessings" and how much I was relating to it.

She was so sweet to share on stage some of the struggles that she and her husband have been facing.  He was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago, if I remember correctly.  "Blessings" came out of that journey.  Loved talking to her about that.   Such a fun, sweet, tender-hearted girl - wish her all the best with the rest of her pregnancy and her venture into parenthood!

  I hate that we didn't get a picture, but we also got to meet the tour manager that set this all up for us - great guy!  So glad we were able to meet him and thank him in person.

We did actually finally leave - although I could have stayed and talked for hours!

I loved listening to how God had worked in their lives.

So thankful again for their willingness to share their stories, their heartaches, and their blessings.

And the big white bus took us here:

The Melting Pot.

I love the Melting Pot.

Actually I love the cheese and the chocolate.

I had so much fun - hope the other girls did too.

I was stuffed and exhausted that night.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful memories!

Thank you for whisking me away ladies and making the day so special - love you!!

what is THAT?

WARNING:  You may or may not be grossed out by the not-so-flattering picture below.  Just so you know.  I debated posting it, but figured we had been through a lot together and you could handle it :)

We had a GREAT time in sunny Florida last week.  I'm still going through the pictures, but there are some fun ones!  Most of the reason I haven't sorted through them (besides the mounds of laundry) is that I haven't been feeling all that great.

The day before we left for FL, I had my mammogram (which, if you're not on Facebook, turned out AWESOME!!!).  Let me say that mammograms are not comfortable to begin with, but I wasn't even thinking that my port would bring that uncomfortableness to a whole new level!  So the next day and all weekend, I felt like the area around my port was really sore.  In fact, sharp shooting pain would come out of nowhere - you know the kind that tends to take your breath away and you start thinking something is really wrong?  It just kept getting worse, but I really just thought it was from the port being pulled on and that it would go away once I had time to relax and wind down from vacation and sleep in my own bed.

Not so.  By Tuesday I had this weird rash show up around my neckline on my left side.  Brian thought it was poison ivy.  I could not think of one instance where I had been anywhere near poison ivy.  I thought at first it was an allergic reaction to the sunscreen from the day before, but that didn't make sense since it was only on one side of my neck.  Then we thought maybe it was an allergic reaction to some bug bites that we got the night we got to Orlando.  I didn't remember getting bit on my neck, but who knows?  The rash and the pain persisted, but it wasn't enough to keep me away from all of our excursions (important places like the beach, visiting family, Universal Studios, the beach, etc.).

We stayed with Chris and Lynda on the way home.  Chris is well experienced in poison ivy and confirmed that it definitely was not poison ivy.  I started thinking maybe it was Rubella.  I've been vaccinated for it 4 times and it hasn't been successful any one of them.  I looked it up on my phone, but the symptoms really didn't match up.

This was Sunday.  I was a total grouch.  We had been in the car for close to 15 hours and I was done.  I didn't feel good and everything was pushing my buttons.  I'm pretty sure I yelled at the kids every time they opened their mouths.  I knew as soon as I opened my mouth that I should just shut it.  I apologized later.  I just didn't feel good.  By the time we got home and got unpacked, I felt achy all over.  It was very Neulasta-like.  I hadn't missed that feeling in the past 5 months and didn't care to feel it again.  But that really wasn't my choice, huh?

I ended up taking some Nyquil just so that I could sleep.  I couldn't get out of bed the next morning.  Thank goodness Brian didn't have to go in till later that morning.  When I finally did crawl out of my stupor, I called the nurse at my surgeon's office.  She called back later to say that they didn't think it had anything to do with my port or my mammogram.  So I got an appointment with my dermatologist for Tuesday morning.

"I hate to tell you this, but you have a case of the SHINGLES."

Huh?  I thought only older people got that.  Nope.  Apparently, it's common in cancer patients because of their lowered immunity.  Which I thought my immunity was pretty good since it's been 2 months since radiation ended, but I'm finding out that I'm wrong about that (first the never-ending cold/sinus/virus thing that lasted from December to February and now this).  

Anyway, she said that it comes on due to stress or an illness.  Hmmmmm.  So the week before vacation was a bit stressful, and I think we all agree I've had a bit of an illness.  Note to self:  stress is BAD.  Pray.  Relax.  Take care of yourself.  Eat right.  Exercise.  Enjoy life.

So I have this lovely horse pill to take every meal to keep the shingles from spreading any more than it already has.  I have pain meds to help me sleep (which I'm not sure I had enough of last night) and still just generally don't feel good but pretty functional.  One of the icky parts is that I can't really be in close contact with other people.  Especially kids or anyone with suppressed immune systems.  Since I don't know who that might be, I've just been trying to lay low.  I did sneak out to lunch and little window shopping with B this afternoon, but that wore me out and I napped the rest of the day.

Is it just me or does anyone else think there is something just funny about the word "shingles"?  Not funny like, Tommy Tuberville or Shaka Star or any other fun sports names like that, but funny in a negative way.  I don't really even like to say it.  I may as well be saying "the plague" for some reason.  That's what it seems to me.  Maybe because you kind of have to quarantine yourself.  I don't know.  And they don't look like shingles one bit.  I may have to consult my pharmacist about all of that.