real food

Ahhhhh......I wish I had taken a picture of the turkey sandwich that I ate, but it felt so good to eat real food this afternoon!  It didn't necessarily taste good cause nothing really does.  But it didn't taste awful and it felt good going down.  I'm pretty sure these are what pushed me over the edge to finally even consider it.



I had to go get my Herceptin today, and after talking to my doctor about my lingering symptoms he gave me a bag of fluid and some anti-nausea medicine as a bonus!  I still didn't feel great when I left, but I feel waaaaayyyyy better than yesterday.  Praise God for that! 

I also got blood counts today, and all were good except for the platelets, so no blackberry picking for me for a while I guess (or scaling rocks, or trudging through the Amazon, or.....).  Of course, I would have to get a nose bleed today.  Never get nose bleeds.  But this one didn't want to stop.  So that was fun.  So glad my pharmacist was here to help me out with that one.  The boys would have thought it was ultra-cool.  Me, not so much.

But all is good here as the sun is beginning to set here in good ole MO.  Looking forward to dinner with B.  Whatever that may be.  I'm praying it tastes the way it's supposed to, cause so far I've had to add a favorite - Coke - to the list of things not to eat/drink cause they taste so horrible. 

Continuing to pray for the symptoms to subside and just go away.  I now know that the awful ones will last about a week and can plan for that next time.  The doc also gave us good suggestions of ways to curb them a bit and make the next time a bit easier. 

Every time I go into the infusion room I look around and see mostly different faces than the time before.  I wonder what their stories are.  Some are there alone - maybe by choice.  Maybe not.  It breaks my heart.  Most of them are much older than me.  I can only imagine how much harder this is when your body is years older.  I pray for them while I'm there.  And I think of my sweet little friend who was not even in kindergarten when she started her chemo.  Knowing first hand what chemo does to you gives me a whole new perspective about what no little girl should ever have to endure.  Love you M!

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

for the Lord holds them by the hand.

Psalm 37:24

surgery update

Surgery went well on Wednesday.  It wasn't as involved as the first one, so it didn't take as long for the actual procedure or for recovery.  The doctor basically went in to get more tissue from around the top and bottom of where the tumor was.  Those were the two places where more cancer was found in the margins of the tumor that she took out during the first surgery.

Before they took me into the operating room, I asked our doctor about the place under my arm where they removed the 2 lymph nodes.  It had really been hurting me, more than any of the other incisions, and I could barely raise my arm up.  So she took a look and saw that fluid had collected under the incision into what she called a "seroma".  The treatment for that is to drain the fluid by needle aspiration.  Lucky for me this time, she just did it while I was under so I didn't have to worry about the whole needle and fainting thing.  Unfortunately, she also said that I would most likely have to get the area aspirated again in the doctor's office.  Oh well, maybe by then I'll be getting used to the needles and be able to handle it like a big girl :)  I couldn't believe how much better that area felt after surgery!  Now it's starting to feel like it did, so I'm guessing I'll be in her office the first part of next week.  No surprise.  She said it would most likely be like that.  I almost (almost) don't care what kind of needle they use when it hurts this badly - just so they get rid of it!

The oncology visits have been postponed until June 15th and 22nd, so we will not know anything about how often or how long chemo will be.  Many of you have asked us about this, so I wanted to update about that.  I go back for a follow-up with the surgeon next week, but other than that and maybe one other appointment I'm hoping for a quiet week.

So now we are waiting for the results of this pathology again.  I think it will be Monday before we hear anything.  I really feel a huge peace about it.  Last time I really wanted to get those results, but this time I'm just content to wait for them.  Which brings me to this verse:

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

 His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

The story of this verse started Tuesday morning when Amber texted it to me.  Then Tuesday evening my friend Lisa left me a voicemail reciting the same verse.  This has happened a couple of other times with other people, but I knew something was up when it was these two specific ladies who spoke the same verse to me.  I've always liked the verse but had never memorized it, so I decided to do my best in the little time I had.  Then Wednesday afternoon, as I was recovering at home I began to read the Thriving Family magazine that had come a few weeks earlier.  The very first verse I came to was Philippians 4:6.  Then tonight I received a text from a new friend that was also Philippians 4:6.  I will say it again - I am in constant awe of how God works in us.  I am so grateful that He has surrounded our family with His servants that truly listen to Him and act upon what He places on their hearts - in this case to bless me with these exact words in so many different ways.  I know He is speaking directly to me and my family with these words and I'm so excited to hear them!  I pray that others are in some way blessed through this also.

still waiting

We were assured that we would have final pathology results by yesterday, but still nothing.  It's frustrating, as I think how Monday is a holiday so we most likely will not hear anything until Tuesday now.  I did call the office yesterday afternoon and was again assured that our doctor would not let us go the whole weekend without hearing from her.  I want to believe them, so maybe she's actually working this weekend and will call today.  I don't really believe that, though.....I just want to.

So we wait again.  I started getting nervous yesterday, thinking of all kinds of reasons why they hadn't called since I know that they do have the results, but there's nothing we can do.  And Ruth came to mind.  I'm betting that all my Bible study girls are thinking the same thing right now :)  I did a study on Ruth (by Kelly Minter), last summer and then the same one again this spring.  In fact just finished it the day before my first biopsy.

{Here it is, along with a shout-out to my Bible study gals.  Hi ladies!}

Yesterday my mind went straight back to this scene:  Ruth had just really risked everything by proposing to Boaz (not just any proposal either - you have to go read this if you never have!) and had come back to her mother-in-law, Naomi's, house and told Naomi all that had happened.  Ruth had proposed and then Boaz told her to wait for his answer.  He had to find out if another man, a closer relative to her deceased husband, wanted to marry her first.  Can you imagine??  It's a long story, and I promise an intriguing one, that I can't fully explain here.  But she had done everything she could and then just had to wait.  Wait on Boaz.  Wait on the closer relative.  Just wait.  There was nothing she could do but pray and wait for God to reveal what He had in store for her. 

And then Kelly Minter, the Bible study author, also shared a story of a trip to Brazil where a friend said this of the people in Brazil: 

"The people here know how to wait.  They wait for clean water.  They wait for food.  They wait for the floods to recede." 

They don't see it as something to rush or dread.  Instead, their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way.  (Kelly's words)

The things we wait for seem so trivial when I think about this.  I've never had to wait for clean water.  I can't even imagine that.  I remember one of the questions in the study guide was to discuss a time when you had to wait on a response for someone, when you had done all you could and now could just wait, leaning on your Savior.  Now I love the fact questions or the inference questions in those Bible study guides cause I love learning and seeing how God weaves everything together, but I hate personal questions because my mind always seems to go blank as soon as it says "personal" right there in black and white text :)  I'm always sure I've experienced almost all that they ask about but can't come up with much of anything when I'm sitting there staring at the words.  I think I could answer any of them now....... probably with a huge paragraph for each.  Perhaps I prayed a little too hard about being able to answer those :)  But I love the author's words about waiting  "....their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way."  Hopeful endurance and a promise.  That is how I'm going to try to wait this weekend. 

And I'm clinging to this verse from my friend Stephanie this weekend:

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14

We're going to be still.  We're going to enjoy the weekend.  We're going to celebrate awesome friends graduating this weekend.  We're going to continue to be so thankful for the friends and family who have taken care of us this week.  We're going to praise God for the good things that have happened and that are to come.  I'm sure we'll still have our moments of frustration.  But we're going to remember to wait like Ruth and to be still.  God is still in control!

Memory Verse

Well, I haven't exactly kept up with my plan to memorize a verse every week, but I'm okay with it.  After my day today (see the post below), this verse so jumped at me and I had to choose it to be "the one" this week.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Well, that definitely resonates with me tonight as I'm reflecting (and laughing with Brian) about my day today.  I find it funny that I still try to "plan" things in my life, thinking that if I plan and organize very carefully that things will go just as I envision.  Ha!  So I love this verse.  God gives us freedom in our choices - knows what we're going to choose, but we get to choose it anyway.  Yet the whole time he has unexpected turns and surprises planned for us, letting us learn and experience what He knows that we NEED to experience and we are often left standing with our mouths wide open wondering what just happened to our nice thought-out plans.  What is really exciting to me about this is when I look back and sometimes get to see how all of the bumps and unexpected turns and surprises were woven together for a purpose that never entered my mind but was God's purpose in me "planning" in the first place. 

So I want to memorize this one and recall it during both the small and the big bumps that I know are going to be in my road at some point and remember who is really in charge!

Memory Verse #2

This verse jumped out at me twice this week, so I take that as a sign that it's my verse this week.  I actually first really saw it when I was reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  Can't remember exactly the specifics of the discussion in the book, but I remember it referring to extending your life's purpose into your daily work no matter what work that is.....it was a time when I was feeling very overwhelmed and almost burnt out with the work I was doing and I can say that it really did help me to change my perspective about my job.  Whether I enjoyed what I was doing or not, I continually reminded myself that maybe the purpose wasn't to be the best but to do my best to be a representative of Jesus.  I reminded myself of this all through the boys' colicky infancy, exhausting toddlerhoods, and energetic preschool years - and am still reminding myself that every little thing I do or say is representative of Him - might seem kind of stressful to some, but it's freeing to me, giving me guidance and clear priorities in my day-to-day life.

Okay, extremely long explanation, but the verse is much shorter this week!

And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.
-Colossians 3:17 (New Living Translation)

got a good memory?

Not a good memory as in laughing with your sisters or getting hugs from your kids.  I mean, are you able to memorize things easily?  I used to be able to do this at least through college (that was my favorite method of studying - making the material into an acronym or something easy to remember).  But I can't say I've tried to memorize much lately, besides names, phone numbers and schedules.

Earlier this evening I prayed to God for a scripture to come into my head that would help me at that particular time.  I came up blank.  General thoughts and knowledge came into my head, like God loves me, He'll never leave me, there's a plan in this, etc. (Maybe a little too much pre-school worship time, huh?), but for the life of me I could not remember a single specific verse!

So, I've decided to start memorizing a verse every week.  Anyone else up to it?  I got the idea from Beth Moore's blog so you can read how they are doing this or join them over there.  From what I understand they just have a group of people who have committed to memorizing 2 verses each month - not the same verse for everyone, but whatever you feel is speaking to you at that time.  I just decided to do one a week cause that's want I want to do .  If you're up to the challenge, do it however you want, but it would be great if you would share your verse in the comments to inspire the rest of us : ) 

I'd love to have company - keeps me accountable!  Here's the verse I'm going to memorize this week:

What God has said isn't only alive and active! It is sharper than any double-edged sword. His word can cut through our spirits and souls and through our joints and marrow, until it discovers the desires and thoughts of our hearts.  

Hebrews 4:12 (Contemporary English Version)

OR

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12 (New International Version)

(I haven't decided which version I like better, but it will be one of these)

I first really saw this at the conference we went to this past weekend, and it's referenced on the t-shirt I bought there.  It really kind of sums of the importance to me of memorizing scripture and having it "logged" in my mind and heart to refer to at any time.

So that's where I'm starting.  I know I'm going to print this verse out and put it on the fridge - haven't figured out other strategies yet.  Maybe a little notecard in the car?  I know someone has good ideas out there.