final pathology news

We heard from the doctor today.  It was actually kind of amusing, cause I had turned the ringer off on my phone because we were at Ethan's Kindergarten graduation this morning.  I knew she would probably call, but I knew that I could just call back after the graduation.  Then Elliott decided to take pictures with my phone during the ceremony, which was fine until I looked over and saw him talking on the phone to someone.  After giving him an evil look, he gave it to me and of course it was her number on the display :)  I quietly explained where we were and asked if I could call her back.  She was so sweet about it and told me to enjoy the graduation. 

So I talked to her later this morning and here is the news. 

1.  The lymph nodes are clear!!!  Yay!!  Praising God for that news. 

2.  Looking at the tissue under the microscope, it shows that the cancer has invaded the blood vessels.  Sounds a bit scary, but I believe that this only means that we will be treating with chemo like we had planned and maybe more of it than originally thought. In our doctor's words "we don't want to leave one stupid little cancer cell floating around to grow somewhere else"  Amen.

3.  The margins of tissue that they removed with the cancerous tumor last Tuesday were not clear.  They were positive for cancer in 2 separate areas. 

Unfortunately, the last bit of news means more surgery tomorrow (Wednesday) morning.  Our doctor wants to make sure to get all of the cancerous tissue out, and so do we.  It will only be getting the tissue out this time.  Not taking anymore lymph nodes and the port is already in.  So a shorter procedure for sure.

I know some of you have been asking when chemo will start.  We thought we might get a good idea of that this week, but this will set us back about a week I'm guessing.  We think maybe 2-3 weeks from tomorrow, but we'll keep everyone updated!

So 8:00 tomorrow morning will be the surgery.  We have to be there at 6:30 - that's an early morning!  We know that you will continue praying for us and we appreciate all of your prayers and messages and visits so so much!!

baby bird update

I kind of left you in the dark about the baby doves, huh?  Well, just about 2 weeks after they hatched they were getting flying lessons and being coaxed away from the nest by their mama.  I'm pretty sure one of them wanted to stay, but mama was not going to have that!  They come back every once in a while, but for the most part, our visit with them is over.  However, the crazy dive-bombing birds have made a nest under our deck again this year, so we are entertained (not sure that would be the word Brian would use as he's being attacked while mowing the lawn) by them now.  And another set of doves have set up a home on our air conditioner.  There's something about us that attracts birds, I guess.

But Elliott brought this home the other day.  His art teacher asked them to make something with birds out of some model magic, so he fashioned his after our beloved doves.  It's so cute!  And he is so proud of it.  The birds really do look like the doves!  He made it into an M&M holder and it sits on the table in front of me on the couch.  And, yes, I eat the M&Ms!

{I do not know what the deal is with the goofy smile - he's a boy}

still waiting

We were assured that we would have final pathology results by yesterday, but still nothing.  It's frustrating, as I think how Monday is a holiday so we most likely will not hear anything until Tuesday now.  I did call the office yesterday afternoon and was again assured that our doctor would not let us go the whole weekend without hearing from her.  I want to believe them, so maybe she's actually working this weekend and will call today.  I don't really believe that, though.....I just want to.

So we wait again.  I started getting nervous yesterday, thinking of all kinds of reasons why they hadn't called since I know that they do have the results, but there's nothing we can do.  And Ruth came to mind.  I'm betting that all my Bible study girls are thinking the same thing right now :)  I did a study on Ruth (by Kelly Minter), last summer and then the same one again this spring.  In fact just finished it the day before my first biopsy.

{Here it is, along with a shout-out to my Bible study gals.  Hi ladies!}

Yesterday my mind went straight back to this scene:  Ruth had just really risked everything by proposing to Boaz (not just any proposal either - you have to go read this if you never have!) and had come back to her mother-in-law, Naomi's, house and told Naomi all that had happened.  Ruth had proposed and then Boaz told her to wait for his answer.  He had to find out if another man, a closer relative to her deceased husband, wanted to marry her first.  Can you imagine??  It's a long story, and I promise an intriguing one, that I can't fully explain here.  But she had done everything she could and then just had to wait.  Wait on Boaz.  Wait on the closer relative.  Just wait.  There was nothing she could do but pray and wait for God to reveal what He had in store for her. 

And then Kelly Minter, the Bible study author, also shared a story of a trip to Brazil where a friend said this of the people in Brazil: 

"The people here know how to wait.  They wait for clean water.  They wait for food.  They wait for the floods to recede." 

They don't see it as something to rush or dread.  Instead, their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way.  (Kelly's words)

The things we wait for seem so trivial when I think about this.  I've never had to wait for clean water.  I can't even imagine that.  I remember one of the questions in the study guide was to discuss a time when you had to wait on a response for someone, when you had done all you could and now could just wait, leaning on your Savior.  Now I love the fact questions or the inference questions in those Bible study guides cause I love learning and seeing how God weaves everything together, but I hate personal questions because my mind always seems to go blank as soon as it says "personal" right there in black and white text :)  I'm always sure I've experienced almost all that they ask about but can't come up with much of anything when I'm sitting there staring at the words.  I think I could answer any of them now....... probably with a huge paragraph for each.  Perhaps I prayed a little too hard about being able to answer those :)  But I love the author's words about waiting  "....their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way."  Hopeful endurance and a promise.  That is how I'm going to try to wait this weekend. 

And I'm clinging to this verse from my friend Stephanie this weekend:

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14

We're going to be still.  We're going to enjoy the weekend.  We're going to celebrate awesome friends graduating this weekend.  We're going to continue to be so thankful for the friends and family who have taken care of us this week.  We're going to praise God for the good things that have happened and that are to come.  I'm sure we'll still have our moments of frustration.  But we're going to remember to wait like Ruth and to be still.  God is still in control!

Why you shouldn't let your kids run at church

Because they may try to jump 5, 6, or 7 steps in order to get away from their brother and land wrong, spraining their ankle and popping out a growth plate, and then having to wear a cast for the next 4 weeks.  Just saying.

the first step

(this ended up being an extremely long post - guess that is what happens when you can't do much but sit on the couch :)  So I added highlights/shorter version to the beginning just in case you only want the facts - you're welcome!)

THE SHORT VERSION
 
Surgery went well Tuesday.  They removed the tumor and a margin of hopefully healthy tissue around it, as well as a couple of lymph nodes.  This will tell the doctors if the cancer has spread and some other information which will guide their treatment plan.  The doctor also inserted a port so that chemotherapy will be easier for me in the next few weeks.  This is the part I dislike the most, but it's okay.  Everyone was awesome.  The doctors and nurses were so nice and caring. And we have never felt more loved by our friends and family with all the messages, etc. we received Tuesday as well as many other days.  Overwhelming isn't the right word.......I think more like overjoyed.  We should have final pathology results by Friday, so it's just rest, recovery and wait right now.  Thank you so much for keeping up with us, and we'll update soon!

THE LONG VERSION

The first step has been taken.  That's how Brian phrased it as we were on our way to the hospital Tuesday morning and I was being a little anxious about the day's events.  "Just think of it as the first step to recovery"  And so I did.  And I'm so glad it's over.  I was really fine with doing all parts of the surgery with the exception of the port insertion.   I had about half of a day to get used to the fact that I was going to have a port.  I could have used a week or a month or a year.  I was hoping to avoid it altogether.  It's not even the thought of why I neeed the port, that chemo is coming soon with uncertain side effects.  It's really the thought that there is something foreign in my body for the next year. I just don't like it.  It makes me nervous. It's like a temporarily permanent IV and we all know how I feel about those :)  And of course, since that is what I was dreading the most, that is what has hurt the most as I am recovering.  I'm sure it is mostly mental, but I will say I am thankful for good pain medicine and a wonderful husband, mom and friends who have allowed me to just really rest and be lazy yesterday and today.


I was up at 5am Tuesday to get ready to go.  After I got up I laughed because I had allowed time to shower, dry my hair, put make-up on, get breakfast, etc.  But all I was really allowed to do was shower and dry my hair so I had lots of time on my hands.  And then I got a text at 5:15 from a friend saying they were praying for me.  I don't know if he was already awake (I hope so) or if he had specifically awaken to pray for me.  Doesn't matter.  I was so touched that he would let me know that he was already praying so early in the morning.  And that was the beginning of about 50 text messages, along with several emails and facebook posts, that I received that day from friends and family saying they were praying and thinking about us.  And that doesn't include all that Brian received also.  There is something just so very powerful and peaceful about knowing that so many people are really praying for you.  About people praying verses over you.  About people telling you specifically what they are praying for.  About people sending you their actual prayers.

Messages were still coming in when I was wheeled down to radiology to get some more pictures before the procedure.  That was the last time I saw Brian until surgery was over.  It was nice enough out that he was able to walk around the campus and enjoy the fresh air and then my parents and Kendall, our friend and minister, waited with him in the waiting room until I got out of surgery.  Meanwhile I was waiting in line with the elderly population at radiology.  I wanted to laugh.  I was the only one they didn't have to yell at in order to hear what they were saying.  I tried not to, just in case they really could hear better than they were letting on.  So I just sat there waiting. But when you wait for so long, by yourself, with no one else to talk to, you start thinking about that port again and how you really don't want it, and how you really don't want to do this dye test, and how you really just don't want to do surgery at all, and how you think maybe there is still a possibility that they mixed up the test results and you're actually cancer-free.  But then I thought about this girl........

She is the bravest girl ever and if she can do it so can I.  I will be the bravest girl ever, second only to her!  I know God sent her and her family into my life in order to be an inspiration to me for this journey, and He so knows what He's doing!  So when the radiology girl finally came to get me and she had a Russian accent just like one of my other friends, I first smiled cause she didn't have to yell at me and then because it was just like my friend was there.  Then she left and said she'd be back in 10 minutes.  It was way too quiet.  I hope they don't mind that I was singing to myself, just whatever praise song came into my head.  Someone else was banging on the wall, so surely my few off-key notes weren't as disruptive as that :)

The radiology part wasn't so bad.  She said it would feel kind of like a bee sting.  I said it was an evil angry bee but at least it didn't stay very long. And I have to say that I've had quite the education about radiology equipment in the past week.  Gamma cameras, MRIs, ultrasounds......who knows what's next?

What I call the "holding room" for surgery was my next stop.  Here I got to meet all the nurses, the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthesist, as well as talk to my surgeon again.  I was telling the nurse anesthesist about my issues with the IV.  She was so kind to give me lidocaine first so I didn't feel it going in - loved that!  And I had no problems with it this time - yay!  She was explaining everything that would happen in surgery and she said "You're going to love having the port".  I wanted to laugh, but tears came instead.  I told her that was the thing I was dreading the most, how it was like a permanent IV to me.  She was so caring and wiped my tears away and talked about how she totally understood how I felt but then told me how I will be so thankful that it is in later.  I know I will.  I'm just not now :)

Then my surgeon, whom I love, came and talked to me (right after the crying fest with the nurse anesthesist), so I broke down in tears again.  She said "It's real now, isn't it?"  Yes.  It's real.  No one is going to tell me now that the biopsy results were a mistake and I don't have to go through all of this.  It's no longer just a thought.  It's no longer talking about what's "going to happen".  Something is actually happening and we are actually starting on this journey.  It's real.  But if I have to go on this journey I'm glad she is on it with me.

A few minutes later, we were in the operating room and the nurses were talking to me about my boys as they put a mask on me, and then the anesthesiologist was telling me I could wake up.  I knew that meant it was over, but I really didn't want to wake up.  It felt like such a good nap!  I remember telling the recovery nurse that I wanted to just stay there the rest of the day, get my pain meds and just sleep.  I hope that's all I said.  Who knows?  I'm sure they have so many funny stories!

About an hour later I was in another recovery room with Brian.  I was so glad to see him.  And after a while I was glad to see this again too....

 

So many people had sent me verses, encouraging messages, etc. and I wanted to remember all of them so I made some of them into cards and put them on a ring with a picture of my brave girl so I can take them wherever I go.  I'm adding to it today with other little tidbits that people have sent me.  I hope it's really thick soon!

One of my favorite messages of the whole day was one that my friend Nyla sent to Brian.  It was a picture of the kids at Apple Tree, where she and many other dear friends work, where I worked last year, and is part of our church, Wentzville Christian.  They were singing a song for me.  I later learned that at 10:30, the time of my surgery, all of the kids, all of the Apple Tree staff, Joe, Kris, Sandy, Victoria, and maybe others were all in the sanctuary praying for me.  I tear up again every time I think about it.  That I was that important to them, that they would care enough to stop everything they were doing and all get together (which is a feat in itself with preschoolers :) ) and pray for me right at the exact time of my surgery.  I so want to go give each of them a hug and tell them how thankful I am for them and the heart that God has given them! 

We were in recovery until about 5:30 I think.  I have a normally low blood pressure and low pulse, but it was even lower for a little while so they just wanted to make sure it went back up before we left.  I think we were the last ones there that night!  It was good to get home.  My parents had taken the boys to a celebration night at their school.  I'm so glad they didn't have to miss that.  It's the end of the school's first year and the boys wanted to celebrate with their friends.  A friend brought dinner by.  And a note with muffins was on the bar from another sweet friend.  It was nice to come home to more thoughtfulness and generosity.  I'm convinced that we have the best friends ever!!!!

Yesterday was painful, but by the end of the day I was feeling a little better.  Today I feel even better.  Of course, it helps that I don't have to do anything.  So thankful for my mom being here again today to help out!  I was able to take a shower this morning - you know a shower always makes you feel better!  A friend is coming by this afternoon, so I'm excited to see her. 

And I had good quiet time this morning while my mom took the boys to school.  I was a little disappointed when I opened the devotion book to today's date and saw this verse:

"When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

John 8:44

I was thinking "Really God?  This is what you are giving me today?  Why couldn't it have been something comforting or encouraging or about not being anxious or being healed?"  But I read it anyway because I'm a rule follower and THAT was the devotion for today.  As I read it a few times I realized that it actually was for me.  I'm sure Satan is going to tell me many many lies throughout this journey.  That I'm not strong enough.  That I'm not brave enough.  That no one cares.  That I'm alone.  That no one understands.  I can't imagine all the lies that will go through my head.  But he is a liar.  I love the quote that was on the sidebar

"The best protection against Satan's lies is to know God's truth" - Anonymous

And God's truth is this......

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Phillipians 4:13

preparing for surgery

Just a quick update.....

Surgery is on for tomorrow.  We will arrive at 7am and the actual procedure will be at 10:30.  It has been another whirlwind day as Elliott sprained his ankle and popped out his growth plate (didn't even know you could do that) and is now in a walking cast.  I'm so heartbroken that I won't be there in the morning to get him settled in at school.  Thankful that my parents will be there, but I wanted to be there for him.  I'm a little comforted that he is kind of excited about showing his friends and getting their signatures!

We also got news today that one of the test results they were waiting for from the first biopsy came back.  It is the Her2Neu, which I would attempt to explain if I understood it better myself right now.  But it was positive.  We thought it would be negative, of course.  Right now, this means that I will be doing chemotherapy after the surgery.  Something we were hoping to avoid.  I had felt kind of numb to the whole thing over the weekend.  Other people would be talking to me and be crying and I couldn't come up with a single tear if I tried.  Today I screamed and scared Elliott half-to-death.  Now my heart is pounding from the anxiety I feel about the surgery tomorrow and the upcoming treatments and how they are going to affect my family.

I know we have hundreds of people praying for us tomorrow and it's incredibly comforting knowing that.  I already feel that one of the blessings I was to get out of this journey is to know that we are surrounded by people who love us.  That will be a post all its own someday :)  Please just continue to pray for us tomorrow and the following days and weeks!

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

a little bit of normal

 I've been able to do some normal things this weekend.  Mostly things that I usually do not want to do.  Things that seem mundane and boring.  But it felt really good to be able to do them this weekend. 

Maybe because things have been piling up here as we ran to all the unexpected appointments we had this week and I was tired of looking at it. 

Maybe because I almost feel the need to "nest" for lack of a better word.  I feel like we're living in the calm before the storm right now and that after Tuesday I'm just not sure what to expect our life to be like for a while and don't want to start off with a dirty, unorganized house (that surprises you, huh?). 

Maybe because it's just something that I am in control of, relatively speaking. 

Maybe because it just makes things seem normal here. 

Whatever the reason, it felt good to be able to do them.

Laundry (and still working on that)

Cleaning the sink

(come see the brightness now cause I'm sure it won't last long)

 

Regardless of everything else, this was my favorite "normal" of the weekend.  Sitting outside (thank you God for giving us some sunshine and warm weather!) with one of my best friends, watching her sweet little girl play with Brian, talking to some other neighbor friends who probably don't even know what's going on because it seems weird to just announce it randomly in a conversation, and watching our boys laugh and play football in the side yard.  I can't believe they are going to be gone in the next few months.  It selfishly breaks my heart, yet I'm so so so excited for them to start a brand new journey.  But I'm still going to be the one planted in the middle of the street in front of the moving van - just saying!