picasso at work

Ethan was bored about 5 minutes after school ended for the summer.  He is just the type of guy that has a lot of energy and needs to use it.  He jumps or runs everywhere, always has a ball bouncing, and just really goes goes goes all the time.

He will play video games for a while.  He's not much for watching TV.  Combine all of this with not being able to get out of the house because of me, and you have one bored little boy. 

So I suggested that he paint.  He usually says no to all of my suggestions and then whines about not having anything to do.  But he was actually interested in this and went and got everything he needed and painted away.

This one is his favorite.  It will go in his airplane room.

And I commissioned this one myself.

He had finished 2, and came to show them to me.  I loved them!  I asked him if he would do an orange one for me, and he was happy to have a request!  Then he came back a few minutes later saying that he only does 2 paintings an hour, so he would start working on mine at 5:00.  Totally something he would come up with!

I woke up the next morning to him bring the orange dot painting to me.  Love him! 

hair

I've been thinking about my hair more lately. I know it's very superficial. It's just hair. But the thought of not having hair is very daunting to me.

I've had my hair short, medium, long. Curly, straight. Layered, one length. Colored, highlighted, natural.

In fact this is probably the longest amount of time that I've kept one hair style. I used to change it up all the time. I decided to grow it out a couple of years ago, I think. ( I'm not good with judging time.) I kept seeing all kinds of cute ways to wear long hair and decided I was going to try to do that. I was tired of the easy, one-cute-style haircut I had been wearing.

I have enjoyed it so so much!!! I love that I can curl it or straighten it. Or pull it up. Or braid it or twist it.  Or wear a cute clip or a headband. It just opened a whole new world of hair possibilities for me - ha! It's definitely more work, but so much more fun to me.

So the thought of losing my hair soon has been on my mind a lot. I know it will grow back. But I'm sad to lose it. I keep seeing myself bald and am not liking what I'm seeing.

I really didn't want to do a wig. I just keep envisioning it flying off in this Missouri wind at some point. Which would be funny in the end, but worrying about that all the time would stress me out :) So I was thinking there are surely cute hats, scarves, turbans, etc. that would be just as fun as accessorizing my long hair. I was somewhat content with that. Not saying that I would not still be emotional about it, but at least I could look forward to having fun with what I had been given. Then I was reading that many women have a wig and also use hats, scarves, etc. just depending on what they were feeling that day. Hello....light bulb!  Why did I think it was all or nothing, either/or? And I guess I could get a fun wig. I've mentioned before that I always wanted to be a red head, and now may be my only chance. I'm still a bit concerned about the wind, but I'm definitely going to check into it. My friend's mom has given me great advice about wig shops and how she felt about it and I'm thinking it will be fun to check it out now.

But about a week ago, the thought of donating my hair came across my carousel. I had Elliott and Brian measure it, and it was just barely long enough to donate to Locks of Love.
So I decided to go ahead and cut it.  No matter what, I'm going to lose it with the chemo.  I would rather someone else enjoy it instead of it just falling to the floor and being swept into the trash.  Someone else needed it. I've enjoyed it for a long time. I'll enjoy the extra time I have with my family that I would have been using to style the long hair (not that I had been styling it lately - just ask my neighbors).

And today was the day:

The cutting begins

Almost done with the rough cut

(sorry for the quality - my photographer Elliott had shaky hands I guess)

You can't tell, because the end flips up, but it's right at 10 inches!

The "after" picture.

I'm excited about learning to style this short hair again.

I'm also excited that it's so carefree.

Brian will be excited that he never has to shampoo that long mess of hair again :)

(I think he gained a new appreciation for my hair the one time he had to do this last week)

My friend, Julie, who cuts my hair. 

I'm positive she is the only reason I didn't cry. 

Love my talks with her while she cuts my hair. 

And she does an awesome job!!!

{Again, the photographer may need more training :) }

I keep thinking of this story when God sent Samuel to anoint the new king, Samuel only knew that it was one of Jesse's sons, but not which one. He kept thinking the one God had chosen was surely one of David's brothers since they "looked" like Samuel thought that a king should look and David was really a scrawny shepherd boy. God said to Samuel "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7b).

I'm so glad this is true, but it's so hard to swallow when your appearance is going through a major change. I really like my new cut.....it's the thought of it all coming out that is still difficult for me.  I need to get over it......perhaps some ice cream will help.

You should have seen Ethan's face this morning when I was explaining the reason we were on our way to get my hair cut. The boys knew I would be losing my hair, but I guess the picture of me bald had never entered their minds yet. He was so sweet. He had asked if it was all going to fall out, and I told him I would eventually be bald.  I could tell by the look on his face that he was a bit apprehensive about his mom being bald, but he did not say a word. And then breathed a huge sigh of relief when I let him know that I would wear a wig when we were out and about. Poor guy! He was so afraid that he was going to have to walk around with a bald-headed mom.  And they don't want me to be a red head. Seriously??  They say they like the color that it is now. They think it's weird that I would want to do something different. We'll see.

surgery follow-up

Awesome news from the doctor!!  First of all, she took the "tank" out!  I was really starting to get tired of that thing for these reasons:

1.  I had to sleep sitting up (which is probably part of the reason I wasn't sleeping well and felt the earthquake a few days ago - and one last week that only one other person that I know of felt - may or may not have happened.  I was also on pain meds so draw your own conclusions)

2.  I've had to wear stretchy pants and oversized t-shirts for a solid week.  I looked bad enough not to have to don the gag-gift Scooby Doo t-shirt when I ran out of all of my better ones.  We're on to better fashion now I hope :)

3.  I had to move it around every time I sat down.  Really not a big deal, but I'll add it to the list anyway.

4.  I was constantly aware that there was another tube stuck in me.  This actually didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but each time I had a little pain or something felt abnormal I would worry that the tube was moving.  It wasn't.

The other good news was that she further explained the pathology report from the tissue that she removed last week.  I won't try to explain it on here, but what it meant was that ALL of the cancer from the site of the tumor - both the invasive and noninvasive (the beginning of cancer type) - is GONE!!!!!  Praise God for good news!!  This doesn't change the next courses of treatment - still looking at chemo, radiation, Herceptin, and Tamoxifen.  But it does mean that God allowed her to accomplish her goal of removing all the evident cancer.  The rest of the treatment is kind of precautionary.  Just in case one little cell snickered and got away and has plans of taking up residence somewhere else.  The rest of the treatment is aimed at finding that stinky cell (if it exists) and getting rid of it too.

It was a good day.  My friend Lisa was such a trooper, drove me there with my flighty directions, sat and read and waited so patiently while I was at all my appointments.  We even got to see some fun hairpieces - and some not so fun hairpieces!  I had no idea they made so many choices in wigs, scarves, etc. for hair loss.  I told her I was going to be a red head.  It's my chance.  I've always wanted to be one.  I'm not joking.  I wanted to dye my hair when I was younger, but my mom wouldn't let me - good thinking Mom!  I even married a red-head, and I didn't even get a red-headed child.  So maybe this is God's way of letting me be auburn for a while.  We'll see.  It was a fun day - good to get good news and spend the morning with a good friend!

pathology update

Just a quick update about the pathology report from the tissue the doctor removed last week.  She called this afternoon saying that the margins look normal this time - all what they expected them to look like.  She will explain further when I go in on Thursday, but no more surgery right now anyway!  And on to the next steps.  Thank you again for all the prayers!!!

random thoughts on sunday

Once again I've taken my place on the couch.  I'm glad we never bought a new one, cause I can eat and drink and everything on this old thing and not worry about it one bit.  Plus it's long enough that I can stretch out and there is still room for someone to sit at the end (not that anyone ever does).And I'm pretty sure it's going to have a permanent indention where I've been lying on it - the only place where it's comfortable to sleep, eat, watch tv, read, use the computer, reach the phone and be able to see what everyone else is doing all at the same time. 

I thought I would definitely be off the couch by now, but Friday I had to go get a drain put in the area where my lymph nodes were removed.  There was fluid that kept building up (the seroma that I talked about in an earlier post).  The doctor drained just as much fluid on Friday as had been drained on Wednesday, so he thought this would be the best course of action in order to keep a golf ball from forming every few days.  So it was pretty uncomfortable after they had been pushing tissue around again, so I was back on the couch with the pain medicine.  I love the fact that the pain medicine takes the pain away, but why does it have to make you so groggy and sleepy?

This is my view from the perfect spot on the couch.  Oh I forgot that you can reach the glass of water from here, too.  It's funny how everything you "need" can be contained to such a small space when you are really forced to "need" only a few things.

That cool polka dot glass came from my friend Vicki.  I saw her the night after I had my first biopsy.  We were celebrating her oldest son's birthday.  We talked about it for a few minutes not thinking any more about it, assuming the biopsy was just a formality and nothing would come of it.  Our families had just spent an afternoon together a few weeks before that and had realized that we had let way too much time go by without getting together.  I kept having this unexplainable desire to get together and reconnect with them.  Now I know why.  I was going to need her like I never had before.  She makes me laugh and brings me chocolate :)  I'm pretty sure our husbands have rolled their eyes at us more than a few times and that's okay.  They make me laugh too.

And see how I captured the phone right as a call was coming in?  Pure luck.  Didn't even notice until I was uploading the pictures, but that call was from my doctor's office.  He was calling (on a Saturday) to see if I was doing okay.  He was worried about me - most likely cause I pulled another faintish scene on him after he put the drain in.  He gave me a coke and his favorite pretzels to make sure I was feeling like myself before I drove home.  I love when doctors are that caring and have that much time for you (even though they don't have that much time).  I'm so grateful for that particular practice of doctors and for Nurse Becki who recommended that I go there.

Love that these orange toenails got me immediate membership into the "orange toenails club" that my friend's daughter started.  She was so cute as she told me I could be in the club!  Erin was so sweet to watch the boys while I went in to the doctor's office Friday on such short notice.  My boys could have cared less when I got back, but one of her girls was inviting me into the club while the other one, in her beautiful princess dress, climbed up onto the couch and snuggled right up next to me.  Her kids are just generous and loving in general, but I believe there is something about kids, whether they know you are sick or not, they sense somehow that you need extra hugs and snuggles.  I was glad to get attention from them!

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I'm getting tired of not being able to use my arm.  So grateful to be able to use the port side (isn't that a boat term?)  I have this gnawing feeling that I may never get full mobility back in my right arm.  It's odd when you find out you have cancer I think.  When we found out it was overwhelming, yet something was a bit comforting knowing that there was a plan and these specific steps would be taken to treat it.  All the possible complications, detours I guess, didn't occur to me.

 The second surgery.  The incredibly painful lymph node area after surgery.  The seroma.  The drain.  The inability to move my arm anywhere near my head.

 I usually do not feel like something is not going to heal.  I can't remember ever feeling like that.  But this arm thing is different.  I think that's what bothers me.  I'm just praying that mobility comes back 100% and that my sister doesn't make me cry too much doing physical therapy if it comes to that.

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I was wondering today how much weight I've gained.  I haven't been to the gym in weeks.  My neighbor stopped to offered me a ride to the gym the other day - haha Jason!  I would LOVE to be at the gym.  I miss my Wednesday class.  Miss the treadmill.  Just miss being there with all those fit people.  We have been eating such good food!  Pork steaks last night, roasted chicken the night before that, tacos, BBQ, mostaccioli, roast beef, chicken casserole, and more.  How can you not gain weight? 

Look what Trudi brought me!! I had requested Heaven Scent donuts.  Had a huge craving and thought it was most likely on her way over here.  She wouldn't take my money of course.  Then she pulls out the vanilla coke from Steak n Shake.  I was in sugar heaven.  I thought of hiding them from my family.  I did not.  And then my friend Tricia brought over the most delicious cookies ever.  I'm thinking of hiding them from everyone else too.  I will be saying hello to the gym again soon.  very soon.

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The boys' last day of school was Thursday.  I was so hoping to be able to be there for a few minutes of it.  Didn't work out with the surgery on Wednesday.    I realized in the middle of the night Wednesday night that I didn't have a photo of Elliott with his teacher and started to panic a bit knowing I couldn't go and get one.  I ended up sending a camera with him and he got some really good shots of him and his friends. 

This is his teacher, Ms. Taylor.  She has been a great teacher! He has really enjoyed 2nd grade and all of his classmates.  He seems to be able to make friends easily, and this year his class was full of friends from our neighborhood and from his class last year.  It always makes all the difference when your child has a good teacher and good friends in his class! 

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I asked my sister to bring me some shampoo.  This is what she brought me

I was totally out of shampoo when she came last week, and I still couldn't get out and shop on my own.  I knew I would most likely be losing my hair soon from the chemo but wanted to enjoy my favorite shampoo while I could.  She obviously thinks I'm going to have lots of hair for a long time :)  I love her positive attitude.  I love that she spoiled me with way more than I asked for or needed, just cause she wanted me to be pampered in some way during all of this.  She may have to come and actually wash my hair for me if I can't move my arm soon!

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I am thankful for this.  Clean washcloths in our linen closet, but more so for the only reason we have any clean washcloths at all.  My mom.

It's stressful to me to have family, friends, or anyone staying with us when I don't feel good.  Yet at the same time, I would be stressing even more if no one were here because nothing would function at our house.  I want so much not to worry about it and just enjoy someone being here taking care of us.   I'm incredibly thankful that someone loves us enough to come and take care of us!  I'm sure they can tell that I'm stressed and I hate that.  It doesn't have anything to do with them, in particular.  It's just that running this household is primarily my domain.  It's my job and I enjoy it.  I like organizing everything and making sure everything is running the way we need it to run.   I just have a really hard time letting someone else do it (it's entirely possible that I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive about it - maybe just a little - maybe).  But when you've been hit with the C-word, sometimes you look in your linen closet and are incredibly grateful for clean washcloths, and are reminded that it doesn't matter how they got there but it does matter that people love you enough to put up with you and put them there :)

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We've been showered with so many cards these past few weeks!  So many that I actually took the Christmas card pictures down and replaced them with all the encouraging cards coming in.

This one came all the way from California from someone I've never even met.  I looked at the return address and knew who she was because Nyla has talked about her so much.  I  opened the envelope and knew without a doubt it was her because of the sweet handmade card that was inside.   I was so touched that she would take the time to send a card and a sweet note just because we have a mutual love for a friend.  And she sent me a verse, one that had been running on my carousel of thoughts for the last few days

"For I know the plans I have for you"
declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

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I am disappointed not to be at church with my family this morning, but it's a blessing of alone time which I have not had for quite a few days now.  Sometimes I just need quiet.  To listen to whatever music I want or just listen to nothing. 

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This morning Ethan came downstairs to where I was sleeping on the couch.  I've been having to sleep sitting up because of the drain and also because it's just not comfortable to sleep on my back anymore.  After waking up several times last night I finally just moved to the couch where I knew I could sleep since I had done plenty of it there yesterday!  So, anyway, he comes down and says

"Mom can I see how much is in your tank?"

I was confused for a few seconds and then realized he was talking about the drain bulb that collects the fluid.  Funny boy.  They have been educated about more medical terms, procedures, equipment, etc. than I really wanted them to know about.  Ever.  But they are boys.  Boys who are interested in all things that I deem disgusting.  Sweet boys.  Elliott was home by himself with me yesterday and took care of me so well, always coming to check on me, making sure everything was quiet, that I was comfortable, to see if I needed anything.

I know it's frustrating for them.  They want to go to the pool and play like they would on any other summer vacation.  All three of us cried Friday afternoon.  I feel so badly that I can't get up and do much with them.  Elliott is frustrated because of his leg, which limits what he is able to do.  Ethan is healthy and mad that he can't do anything because everyone else is healing.  Everyone's patience and tolerance is starting to run thin here :)  I'm so thankful to friends who just come and get the boys to go play at their house or offer to take them somewhere or come to visit.  We would all be crazy over here if it weren't for them!!!  I'm hoping to feel well enough this week to get some cool things planned that we can do at home over the summer - suggestions are welcome!

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The cicadas are loud!  Really loud.  But I love that sound.  There is something peaceful about it.  I'm not sure why but it reminds me of being at this plantation along the Great River Road near New Orleans.  I would have been content to have stayed there forever.  Huge oak trees lining the drive.  Huge antebellum home with graceful porches.  Sitting out there with a warm breeze.  Listening to the cicadas.  Maybe that's the last time I heard them.  I don't know.  I know everyone else is annoyed with them, but I love listening to them.

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Brian and I went outside last night and I sat on the patio for a few minutes.  So nice to be out in some fresh air!  And I noticed that the hydrangeas were blooming.  They're pink!  We had some in Georgia and they were blue.  They were pretty but these are so much prettier I think.  I'll get a picture next time I'm down there.  I'm so glad that we got the patio done last year cause it gives us a peaceful place to go and just sit.  I'm anxious to get down there and pull some weeds and cut some of the hydrangea flowers to bring upstairs.

surgery update

Surgery went well on Wednesday.  It wasn't as involved as the first one, so it didn't take as long for the actual procedure or for recovery.  The doctor basically went in to get more tissue from around the top and bottom of where the tumor was.  Those were the two places where more cancer was found in the margins of the tumor that she took out during the first surgery.

Before they took me into the operating room, I asked our doctor about the place under my arm where they removed the 2 lymph nodes.  It had really been hurting me, more than any of the other incisions, and I could barely raise my arm up.  So she took a look and saw that fluid had collected under the incision into what she called a "seroma".  The treatment for that is to drain the fluid by needle aspiration.  Lucky for me this time, she just did it while I was under so I didn't have to worry about the whole needle and fainting thing.  Unfortunately, she also said that I would most likely have to get the area aspirated again in the doctor's office.  Oh well, maybe by then I'll be getting used to the needles and be able to handle it like a big girl :)  I couldn't believe how much better that area felt after surgery!  Now it's starting to feel like it did, so I'm guessing I'll be in her office the first part of next week.  No surprise.  She said it would most likely be like that.  I almost (almost) don't care what kind of needle they use when it hurts this badly - just so they get rid of it!

The oncology visits have been postponed until June 15th and 22nd, so we will not know anything about how often or how long chemo will be.  Many of you have asked us about this, so I wanted to update about that.  I go back for a follow-up with the surgeon next week, but other than that and maybe one other appointment I'm hoping for a quiet week.

So now we are waiting for the results of this pathology again.  I think it will be Monday before we hear anything.  I really feel a huge peace about it.  Last time I really wanted to get those results, but this time I'm just content to wait for them.  Which brings me to this verse:

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

 His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

The story of this verse started Tuesday morning when Amber texted it to me.  Then Tuesday evening my friend Lisa left me a voicemail reciting the same verse.  This has happened a couple of other times with other people, but I knew something was up when it was these two specific ladies who spoke the same verse to me.  I've always liked the verse but had never memorized it, so I decided to do my best in the little time I had.  Then Wednesday afternoon, as I was recovering at home I began to read the Thriving Family magazine that had come a few weeks earlier.  The very first verse I came to was Philippians 4:6.  Then tonight I received a text from a new friend that was also Philippians 4:6.  I will say it again - I am in constant awe of how God works in us.  I am so grateful that He has surrounded our family with His servants that truly listen to Him and act upon what He places on their hearts - in this case to bless me with these exact words in so many different ways.  I know He is speaking directly to me and my family with these words and I'm so excited to hear them!  I pray that others are in some way blessed through this also.

the graduate

This boy graduated from Kindergarten today!  I loved his class.  He has met so many new friends, and they are like a little family with the most fun and caring teacher!  Elliott had the same teacher, and I knew that she was the one for Ethan.  I prayed and prayed that Ethan would be in her class, too.  I was so excited when the letter came saying that she was his teacher, and I have not been disappointed!  I am kind of sad that we don't have any more kids at home to send to Kindergarten with her :)  She is an awesome teacher, and she has been a good friend to me this past year and especially the past few weeks!

These people drove over from Illinois to see him graduate!  He was so excited that Grandma and Grandpa were going to be able to be there, and gave them his excited-embarrassed-happy-I'm-going-to-pretend-I-don't-care face when he walked into the gym and saw them.  And Elliott was most excited to get out of class for a few minutes to celebrate with Ethan (and eat some cookies, of course).  He was not so excited about going back to class, realizing he had forgotten his lunch, not getting to leave school early, and not getting to eat lunch with Grandma and Grandpa - tough day for him I guess.



This girl was so happy to be there, yet sad at the same time.  I know God has awesome things ahead for Ethan, but I am always sad when a school year ends.  He has made such good friends, and I have become good friends with some of the parents in his class.  I know that we will keep our friends even if they're not in the same class next year, but I just wish we could keep all of them together in their little "family".   We love you all Mrs. Hale's class!!!



P.S.  Brian did get to go to graduation.  He just didn't make any of the pictures - so sad, huh?  He worked the video all morning and then had to go to work before we snapped any pictures together.  Sorry B!