final pathology news

We heard from the doctor today.  It was actually kind of amusing, cause I had turned the ringer off on my phone because we were at Ethan's Kindergarten graduation this morning.  I knew she would probably call, but I knew that I could just call back after the graduation.  Then Elliott decided to take pictures with my phone during the ceremony, which was fine until I looked over and saw him talking on the phone to someone.  After giving him an evil look, he gave it to me and of course it was her number on the display :)  I quietly explained where we were and asked if I could call her back.  She was so sweet about it and told me to enjoy the graduation. 

So I talked to her later this morning and here is the news. 

1.  The lymph nodes are clear!!!  Yay!!  Praising God for that news. 

2.  Looking at the tissue under the microscope, it shows that the cancer has invaded the blood vessels.  Sounds a bit scary, but I believe that this only means that we will be treating with chemo like we had planned and maybe more of it than originally thought. In our doctor's words "we don't want to leave one stupid little cancer cell floating around to grow somewhere else"  Amen.

3.  The margins of tissue that they removed with the cancerous tumor last Tuesday were not clear.  They were positive for cancer in 2 separate areas. 

Unfortunately, the last bit of news means more surgery tomorrow (Wednesday) morning.  Our doctor wants to make sure to get all of the cancerous tissue out, and so do we.  It will only be getting the tissue out this time.  Not taking anymore lymph nodes and the port is already in.  So a shorter procedure for sure.

I know some of you have been asking when chemo will start.  We thought we might get a good idea of that this week, but this will set us back about a week I'm guessing.  We think maybe 2-3 weeks from tomorrow, but we'll keep everyone updated!

So 8:00 tomorrow morning will be the surgery.  We have to be there at 6:30 - that's an early morning!  We know that you will continue praying for us and we appreciate all of your prayers and messages and visits so so much!!

baby bird update

I kind of left you in the dark about the baby doves, huh?  Well, just about 2 weeks after they hatched they were getting flying lessons and being coaxed away from the nest by their mama.  I'm pretty sure one of them wanted to stay, but mama was not going to have that!  They come back every once in a while, but for the most part, our visit with them is over.  However, the crazy dive-bombing birds have made a nest under our deck again this year, so we are entertained (not sure that would be the word Brian would use as he's being attacked while mowing the lawn) by them now.  And another set of doves have set up a home on our air conditioner.  There's something about us that attracts birds, I guess.

But Elliott brought this home the other day.  His art teacher asked them to make something with birds out of some model magic, so he fashioned his after our beloved doves.  It's so cute!  And he is so proud of it.  The birds really do look like the doves!  He made it into an M&M holder and it sits on the table in front of me on the couch.  And, yes, I eat the M&Ms!

{I do not know what the deal is with the goofy smile - he's a boy}

still waiting

We were assured that we would have final pathology results by yesterday, but still nothing.  It's frustrating, as I think how Monday is a holiday so we most likely will not hear anything until Tuesday now.  I did call the office yesterday afternoon and was again assured that our doctor would not let us go the whole weekend without hearing from her.  I want to believe them, so maybe she's actually working this weekend and will call today.  I don't really believe that, though.....I just want to.

So we wait again.  I started getting nervous yesterday, thinking of all kinds of reasons why they hadn't called since I know that they do have the results, but there's nothing we can do.  And Ruth came to mind.  I'm betting that all my Bible study girls are thinking the same thing right now :)  I did a study on Ruth (by Kelly Minter), last summer and then the same one again this spring.  In fact just finished it the day before my first biopsy.

{Here it is, along with a shout-out to my Bible study gals.  Hi ladies!}

Yesterday my mind went straight back to this scene:  Ruth had just really risked everything by proposing to Boaz (not just any proposal either - you have to go read this if you never have!) and had come back to her mother-in-law, Naomi's, house and told Naomi all that had happened.  Ruth had proposed and then Boaz told her to wait for his answer.  He had to find out if another man, a closer relative to her deceased husband, wanted to marry her first.  Can you imagine??  It's a long story, and I promise an intriguing one, that I can't fully explain here.  But she had done everything she could and then just had to wait.  Wait on Boaz.  Wait on the closer relative.  Just wait.  There was nothing she could do but pray and wait for God to reveal what He had in store for her. 

And then Kelly Minter, the Bible study author, also shared a story of a trip to Brazil where a friend said this of the people in Brazil: 

"The people here know how to wait.  They wait for clean water.  They wait for food.  They wait for the floods to recede." 

They don't see it as something to rush or dread.  Instead, their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way.  (Kelly's words)

The things we wait for seem so trivial when I think about this.  I've never had to wait for clean water.  I can't even imagine that.  I remember one of the questions in the study guide was to discuss a time when you had to wait on a response for someone, when you had done all you could and now could just wait, leaning on your Savior.  Now I love the fact questions or the inference questions in those Bible study guides cause I love learning and seeing how God weaves everything together, but I hate personal questions because my mind always seems to go blank as soon as it says "personal" right there in black and white text :)  I'm always sure I've experienced almost all that they ask about but can't come up with much of anything when I'm sitting there staring at the words.  I think I could answer any of them now....... probably with a huge paragraph for each.  Perhaps I prayed a little too hard about being able to answer those :)  But I love the author's words about waiting  "....their waiting consists of hopeful endurance secured by a promise they know is on its way."  Hopeful endurance and a promise.  That is how I'm going to try to wait this weekend. 

And I'm clinging to this verse from my friend Stephanie this weekend:

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14

We're going to be still.  We're going to enjoy the weekend.  We're going to celebrate awesome friends graduating this weekend.  We're going to continue to be so thankful for the friends and family who have taken care of us this week.  We're going to praise God for the good things that have happened and that are to come.  I'm sure we'll still have our moments of frustration.  But we're going to remember to wait like Ruth and to be still.  God is still in control!

Why you shouldn't let your kids run at church

Because they may try to jump 5, 6, or 7 steps in order to get away from their brother and land wrong, spraining their ankle and popping out a growth plate, and then having to wear a cast for the next 4 weeks.  Just saying.

the first step

(this ended up being an extremely long post - guess that is what happens when you can't do much but sit on the couch :)  So I added highlights/shorter version to the beginning just in case you only want the facts - you're welcome!)

THE SHORT VERSION
 
Surgery went well Tuesday.  They removed the tumor and a margin of hopefully healthy tissue around it, as well as a couple of lymph nodes.  This will tell the doctors if the cancer has spread and some other information which will guide their treatment plan.  The doctor also inserted a port so that chemotherapy will be easier for me in the next few weeks.  This is the part I dislike the most, but it's okay.  Everyone was awesome.  The doctors and nurses were so nice and caring. And we have never felt more loved by our friends and family with all the messages, etc. we received Tuesday as well as many other days.  Overwhelming isn't the right word.......I think more like overjoyed.  We should have final pathology results by Friday, so it's just rest, recovery and wait right now.  Thank you so much for keeping up with us, and we'll update soon!

THE LONG VERSION

The first step has been taken.  That's how Brian phrased it as we were on our way to the hospital Tuesday morning and I was being a little anxious about the day's events.  "Just think of it as the first step to recovery"  And so I did.  And I'm so glad it's over.  I was really fine with doing all parts of the surgery with the exception of the port insertion.   I had about half of a day to get used to the fact that I was going to have a port.  I could have used a week or a month or a year.  I was hoping to avoid it altogether.  It's not even the thought of why I neeed the port, that chemo is coming soon with uncertain side effects.  It's really the thought that there is something foreign in my body for the next year. I just don't like it.  It makes me nervous. It's like a temporarily permanent IV and we all know how I feel about those :)  And of course, since that is what I was dreading the most, that is what has hurt the most as I am recovering.  I'm sure it is mostly mental, but I will say I am thankful for good pain medicine and a wonderful husband, mom and friends who have allowed me to just really rest and be lazy yesterday and today.


I was up at 5am Tuesday to get ready to go.  After I got up I laughed because I had allowed time to shower, dry my hair, put make-up on, get breakfast, etc.  But all I was really allowed to do was shower and dry my hair so I had lots of time on my hands.  And then I got a text at 5:15 from a friend saying they were praying for me.  I don't know if he was already awake (I hope so) or if he had specifically awaken to pray for me.  Doesn't matter.  I was so touched that he would let me know that he was already praying so early in the morning.  And that was the beginning of about 50 text messages, along with several emails and facebook posts, that I received that day from friends and family saying they were praying and thinking about us.  And that doesn't include all that Brian received also.  There is something just so very powerful and peaceful about knowing that so many people are really praying for you.  About people praying verses over you.  About people telling you specifically what they are praying for.  About people sending you their actual prayers.

Messages were still coming in when I was wheeled down to radiology to get some more pictures before the procedure.  That was the last time I saw Brian until surgery was over.  It was nice enough out that he was able to walk around the campus and enjoy the fresh air and then my parents and Kendall, our friend and minister, waited with him in the waiting room until I got out of surgery.  Meanwhile I was waiting in line with the elderly population at radiology.  I wanted to laugh.  I was the only one they didn't have to yell at in order to hear what they were saying.  I tried not to, just in case they really could hear better than they were letting on.  So I just sat there waiting. But when you wait for so long, by yourself, with no one else to talk to, you start thinking about that port again and how you really don't want it, and how you really don't want to do this dye test, and how you really just don't want to do surgery at all, and how you think maybe there is still a possibility that they mixed up the test results and you're actually cancer-free.  But then I thought about this girl........

She is the bravest girl ever and if she can do it so can I.  I will be the bravest girl ever, second only to her!  I know God sent her and her family into my life in order to be an inspiration to me for this journey, and He so knows what He's doing!  So when the radiology girl finally came to get me and she had a Russian accent just like one of my other friends, I first smiled cause she didn't have to yell at me and then because it was just like my friend was there.  Then she left and said she'd be back in 10 minutes.  It was way too quiet.  I hope they don't mind that I was singing to myself, just whatever praise song came into my head.  Someone else was banging on the wall, so surely my few off-key notes weren't as disruptive as that :)

The radiology part wasn't so bad.  She said it would feel kind of like a bee sting.  I said it was an evil angry bee but at least it didn't stay very long. And I have to say that I've had quite the education about radiology equipment in the past week.  Gamma cameras, MRIs, ultrasounds......who knows what's next?

What I call the "holding room" for surgery was my next stop.  Here I got to meet all the nurses, the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthesist, as well as talk to my surgeon again.  I was telling the nurse anesthesist about my issues with the IV.  She was so kind to give me lidocaine first so I didn't feel it going in - loved that!  And I had no problems with it this time - yay!  She was explaining everything that would happen in surgery and she said "You're going to love having the port".  I wanted to laugh, but tears came instead.  I told her that was the thing I was dreading the most, how it was like a permanent IV to me.  She was so caring and wiped my tears away and talked about how she totally understood how I felt but then told me how I will be so thankful that it is in later.  I know I will.  I'm just not now :)

Then my surgeon, whom I love, came and talked to me (right after the crying fest with the nurse anesthesist), so I broke down in tears again.  She said "It's real now, isn't it?"  Yes.  It's real.  No one is going to tell me now that the biopsy results were a mistake and I don't have to go through all of this.  It's no longer just a thought.  It's no longer talking about what's "going to happen".  Something is actually happening and we are actually starting on this journey.  It's real.  But if I have to go on this journey I'm glad she is on it with me.

A few minutes later, we were in the operating room and the nurses were talking to me about my boys as they put a mask on me, and then the anesthesiologist was telling me I could wake up.  I knew that meant it was over, but I really didn't want to wake up.  It felt like such a good nap!  I remember telling the recovery nurse that I wanted to just stay there the rest of the day, get my pain meds and just sleep.  I hope that's all I said.  Who knows?  I'm sure they have so many funny stories!

About an hour later I was in another recovery room with Brian.  I was so glad to see him.  And after a while I was glad to see this again too....

 

So many people had sent me verses, encouraging messages, etc. and I wanted to remember all of them so I made some of them into cards and put them on a ring with a picture of my brave girl so I can take them wherever I go.  I'm adding to it today with other little tidbits that people have sent me.  I hope it's really thick soon!

One of my favorite messages of the whole day was one that my friend Nyla sent to Brian.  It was a picture of the kids at Apple Tree, where she and many other dear friends work, where I worked last year, and is part of our church, Wentzville Christian.  They were singing a song for me.  I later learned that at 10:30, the time of my surgery, all of the kids, all of the Apple Tree staff, Joe, Kris, Sandy, Victoria, and maybe others were all in the sanctuary praying for me.  I tear up again every time I think about it.  That I was that important to them, that they would care enough to stop everything they were doing and all get together (which is a feat in itself with preschoolers :) ) and pray for me right at the exact time of my surgery.  I so want to go give each of them a hug and tell them how thankful I am for them and the heart that God has given them! 

We were in recovery until about 5:30 I think.  I have a normally low blood pressure and low pulse, but it was even lower for a little while so they just wanted to make sure it went back up before we left.  I think we were the last ones there that night!  It was good to get home.  My parents had taken the boys to a celebration night at their school.  I'm so glad they didn't have to miss that.  It's the end of the school's first year and the boys wanted to celebrate with their friends.  A friend brought dinner by.  And a note with muffins was on the bar from another sweet friend.  It was nice to come home to more thoughtfulness and generosity.  I'm convinced that we have the best friends ever!!!!

Yesterday was painful, but by the end of the day I was feeling a little better.  Today I feel even better.  Of course, it helps that I don't have to do anything.  So thankful for my mom being here again today to help out!  I was able to take a shower this morning - you know a shower always makes you feel better!  A friend is coming by this afternoon, so I'm excited to see her. 

And I had good quiet time this morning while my mom took the boys to school.  I was a little disappointed when I opened the devotion book to today's date and saw this verse:

"When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

John 8:44

I was thinking "Really God?  This is what you are giving me today?  Why couldn't it have been something comforting or encouraging or about not being anxious or being healed?"  But I read it anyway because I'm a rule follower and THAT was the devotion for today.  As I read it a few times I realized that it actually was for me.  I'm sure Satan is going to tell me many many lies throughout this journey.  That I'm not strong enough.  That I'm not brave enough.  That no one cares.  That I'm alone.  That no one understands.  I can't imagine all the lies that will go through my head.  But he is a liar.  I love the quote that was on the sidebar

"The best protection against Satan's lies is to know God's truth" - Anonymous

And God's truth is this......

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Phillipians 4:13

preparing for surgery

Just a quick update.....

Surgery is on for tomorrow.  We will arrive at 7am and the actual procedure will be at 10:30.  It has been another whirlwind day as Elliott sprained his ankle and popped out his growth plate (didn't even know you could do that) and is now in a walking cast.  I'm so heartbroken that I won't be there in the morning to get him settled in at school.  Thankful that my parents will be there, but I wanted to be there for him.  I'm a little comforted that he is kind of excited about showing his friends and getting their signatures!

We also got news today that one of the test results they were waiting for from the first biopsy came back.  It is the Her2Neu, which I would attempt to explain if I understood it better myself right now.  But it was positive.  We thought it would be negative, of course.  Right now, this means that I will be doing chemotherapy after the surgery.  Something we were hoping to avoid.  I had felt kind of numb to the whole thing over the weekend.  Other people would be talking to me and be crying and I couldn't come up with a single tear if I tried.  Today I screamed and scared Elliott half-to-death.  Now my heart is pounding from the anxiety I feel about the surgery tomorrow and the upcoming treatments and how they are going to affect my family.

I know we have hundreds of people praying for us tomorrow and it's incredibly comforting knowing that.  I already feel that one of the blessings I was to get out of this journey is to know that we are surrounded by people who love us.  That will be a post all its own someday :)  Please just continue to pray for us tomorrow and the following days and weeks!

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

a little bit of normal

 I've been able to do some normal things this weekend.  Mostly things that I usually do not want to do.  Things that seem mundane and boring.  But it felt really good to be able to do them this weekend. 

Maybe because things have been piling up here as we ran to all the unexpected appointments we had this week and I was tired of looking at it. 

Maybe because I almost feel the need to "nest" for lack of a better word.  I feel like we're living in the calm before the storm right now and that after Tuesday I'm just not sure what to expect our life to be like for a while and don't want to start off with a dirty, unorganized house (that surprises you, huh?). 

Maybe because it's just something that I am in control of, relatively speaking. 

Maybe because it just makes things seem normal here. 

Whatever the reason, it felt good to be able to do them.

Laundry (and still working on that)

Cleaning the sink

(come see the brightness now cause I'm sure it won't last long)

 

Regardless of everything else, this was my favorite "normal" of the weekend.  Sitting outside (thank you God for giving us some sunshine and warm weather!) with one of my best friends, watching her sweet little girl play with Brian, talking to some other neighbor friends who probably don't even know what's going on because it seems weird to just announce it randomly in a conversation, and watching our boys laugh and play football in the side yard.  I can't believe they are going to be gone in the next few months.  It selfishly breaks my heart, yet I'm so so so excited for them to start a brand new journey.  But I'm still going to be the one planted in the middle of the street in front of the moving van - just saying!

adding sunshine

to my day Friday.......

flowers from Mom and Dad

 flowers from my Newman House girls

Love how bright and cheery both of these are!  And something fresh and clean and new {especially since the dust is starting to build up everywhere else around the house :) }

My good good friend came over and spent the morning just chatting with me.  It had been too long since either of us had slowed down and just really talked to each other, and it was so good to talk to her.  Her little girl gave me a hug as soon as she saw me (loved that!), and then later created this beautiful picture of her and I.  Elliott noticed that she even put me in an orange dress, my favorite color right now.  I love it and am keeping it forever!

Also got to get out of the house and actually see people that don't necessarily have any medical degrees.  Our table did not win the trivia night, but it was way fun and all of the teens who worked the night ended up making enough money from it to pay their entire way to CIY this year.  What an awesome group of teens that I feel incredibly priveledged to be just a small part of their lives.  They are going to do great things (already are doing great things), and I can't wait to see what they are!

good news

We got the results of the second round of biopsies earlier today, and those were benign!  So thankful to God for good news today!

Still won't know until Monday if the surgery is still on for Tuesday.  Please just pray for wisdom as the doctors have the tumor conference on Monday.  Also for wisdom for us as we make decisions in the process.  We will definitely keep you updated.

I'll write more tomorrow, but going to sleep for now.

two more today

Two more blessings today. 

One | Our friend, Annette, brought us a real home-cooked meal tonight.  Oh my goodness it was so so so so good to eat real food.  And really good real food, too!!!!  She was such a sweetheart and I cannot thank her enough. Thank you thank you thank you Annette!  My kids want to come eat at your house now :)

Two| I had a really good chat with the sonographer at the women's center today.  Kristen.  She has always been super sweet and caring, but we started talking about music which led to a conversation about our mutual trust in God.  She said she had been praying for me.  I was stunned.  Not that she had been praying, but that she remembered me, even after she went home at night.  I always feel like I'm just one of hundreds, thousands that walk through the doors of a doctor's office and most likely forgotten about until the next visit (not in a rude way, just a that's-how-it-is way).  But she was totally serious and sincere when she said it and asked about my family and we talked about how everyone was dealing with everything and she said she would pray for them too.  Then she said "Jonica you are being so strong through all of this.  You are really glorifying Christ through this".  So then I had to cry.  I didn't feel strong.  But I was so grateful for her saying that because I so want to glorify Christ through everything in my life and it was such a great eye opener that not only was He going to be our Rock through this but that He has a  purpose for us in every little thing, every little procedure, every chat, whatever is coming in the next weeks.  And it's His purpose.  And it's still up to us to fulfill those purposes.  And she and I both knew that I wasn't being strong on my own, I was being strong because I'm not even standing on my own two feet.  I'm leaning on Him - makes it so much easier to laugh and smile and be hopeful in an incredibly scary and crazy time.

Two more biopsies today.

But the good news is that they really think that these two spots found on the MRI are just lymph nodes and nothing abnormal.  We will hopefully find out tomorrow, but it could be Monday.  If either of them show any cancerous cells, the surgery will not happen Tuesday and will be rescheduled after we all figure out the next course of action.  And we're not sure what that is.  So we'll wait and see.  We're still so very thankful that it was caught so early.  I was wondering today how many women get the same news we got, only theirs is advanced stages with very different prognoses.  My heart breaks for them and their families.  And I think of my sweet sweet friend who was diagnosed with leukemia when she was only 4!  It's hard to deal with at 36 and I can't imagine 4!  She was such a trooper and I will battle this everyday thinking of how strong she has been through her entire struggle and what a blessing she and her family has been to me.

Before I got to the women's center today I selfishly hoped they wouldn't be able to see the spot on the ultrasound.  I knew if they couldn't see it they wouldn't do the biopsy.  Not having to hear that clunking needle was fine with me :)  But Nurse Becky let me know really quickly, yet with the sweetest voice and the most obvious "girl-you-really-don't-want-that-to-be-the-case" look on her face, that the next step would probably be an MRI-guided biopsy instead of ultrasound-guided.  Oh........NO!  Not the clunking needle with the fainting girl and the horribly loud humming of the MRI that makes me feel like I'm floating in space with no where to go.  I prayed really hard right there that the ultrasound would be bright and clear!  It was.  And this time, since the spots were smaller, I got to hear clunking AND a drilling sound with this biopsy needle.  I was a bit unnerved at first, but honestly it wasn't all that bad.  I already knew what to expect, and I would do this 10 times before having to do the IV and the MRI again.  Besides, during an MRI you can't talk about Survivor, Amazing Race, being from the South, good books, and how happy 2 of us were that JoyFM had bought the new station.  An MRI is just bad headphones with a bad connection to the satellite radio so that in addition to the horribly loud humming you hear what sounds like broken up pipe organ music.

We also talked about the "tumor conference".  One of the oncologists mentioned it yesterday, so I asked Nurse Becky about it today.  I want to laugh every time someone says it.  All I can hear is Arnold Schwarzennegar's voice saying "tumor conference" in my head.  I don't know why.  But it makes me laugh and I try not to because it's obviously way more serious than that.  But it's funny, right?  Anyway, all 5 or 6 of the doctors get together on Monday and talk about my case.  I told them to talk nice and say only good things.  They promised they would try.  I wish I could hear what they say.

I'm really tired tonight.  The lidocaine wore off hours ago and I'm really sore from the biopsies.  Brian had to work till 9 tonight so it was only me gearing up for the bedtime routine.  The boys are so good, but there's just something totally exhausting about bedtime to me.

My good friend, Lisa, sent me this verse tonight.....

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

braver than i

Seriously I would have never thought that Elliott would have been the one to be begging to hold all the reptiles at Will's party this weekend!  And Ethan wanted to wait until another time to try them all out.  Talk about a role reversal!  Will's party was so much fun, and Elliott has been talking about it ever since.  It really was awesome - the Reptile guy did such a great job keeping their attention and teaching them facts about each creature.  I was totally impressed.  Well worth the money, I say, Amanda!

Look at them!  Get this, the guy said that this Anaconda is one of the sweetest and nicest he's ever met.  I still wasn't convinced.  But I was so excited for Will.  He had been talking about this party for weeks and it was the perfect thing for him!

I don't even want to go near the retention pond by my in-laws where a gator supposedly suns itself frequently (never gotten close enough to see it myself and never will).  Certainly don't want it on my head, but Will was all about it!  Happy birthday guy!

a new journey and being grateful

This is the project I was working on.  I had worked on it for a few hours yesterday afternoon and had to put it on hold to get to Walmart and then to pick up the boys from school.  I came back to it, just like this, after getting the boys thinking I really wanted to get it done so that the Easter wreath could come off the door (thought my neighbors would be especially excited about that).  And this is what it still looks like tonight at 10:21 pm.  Because right as I walked into the office to start in on it yesterday, the phone rang and our lives became a whirlwind.

This is the picture of our life now.  I have two oncologists now.  I didn't know you would ever need more than one oncologist.  I'm incredibly grateful for them, for their compassionate nurses, for their honesty, for them giving me new reading material (not really, I'd rather be reading my Miss Julia book, but I am grateful for resources right at my hand), for their willingness to rearrange their schedules to see us today. 

I'm grateful for my ob-gyn who believed me enough and cared enough to send me on to get further testing. 

I'm grateful for Nurse Becky at the women's center, who was so sick about the results of my biopsy that she could hardly stand it and has been with me from the beginning and somehow is always there when I need her. 

I'm grateful for MRI techs who are understanding when I try to faint because they put an IV in me.  I'm grateful that they keep talking to me and don't take offense when I just look at them with a glazed over look and really don't care what they're talking about because I really just want to not have to have an IV or an MRI or any other acronym and just want the tumor to go away and be a fibroadenoma like it was supposed to be. 

I'm grateful for one of my best friends also being my neighbor.  I'm grateful that she loves me so much that she took my boys yesterday just minutes after I got off the phone and kept them until I could get myself together.  I'm grateful that she just sat and listened to me and let me just be at her kitchen island, sitting there, trying to process everything, to let me be normal and have a much-needed normal girlfriend talk while still talking about the "what now".   I'm grateful that she took them to school for me this morning and will pick them up tomorrow afternoon, even though she has four kids of her own and her husband is out of town.  I love her so much!

I'm grateful for friends texting me and praying for me and emailing me and praying for me and not resting all day till they knew we were okay. 

I'm grateful for my parents and my sisters and my in-laws.  Grateful for them checking up on us, for being just as upset as we are, for making me laugh.  For saying things even when they didn't know what to say.

I'm grateful for my husband who has been with me ever since I had to call him at work yesterday to tell him our life just turned upside down.  I'm grateful for him being there to hear what the doctors said while I was brushing tears away, while I was still trying to figure out what Her 2 Neu meant and having to ask the doctor to explain the chart again.  I'm grateful that he remembered things that I didn't.  I'm grateful that he's scared too and makes it very clear that we're in this journey together.  I'm grateful that he loves me and tells me every single day.

I'm grateful for two incredibly strong women in my life who can always throw out a verse for whatever situation I'm in and this time is no different (I'll put them at the bottom). 

I'm grateful for boys who don't really understand exactly what it means that their mom has cancer but that they pray for me anyway, just like their dad models it, and then are incredibly interested to know about what kinds of knives and stitches and holes are going to be involved in the surgery (as long as mom doesn't feel anything, of course).

And so our lives have turned into daily doctor visits or procedures.  They're being aggressive about the treatment and we are on board with it.  It's just really surreal to us.  As I was lying in the MRI today, with my head down, eyes closed, listening to the incredibly loud humming and clanking I started to feel like I was floating like you do when you're in the deep end of the pool and you just let go and start floating but not on your back, but more like a slow motion spin, just a free-fall type of floating.  That feeling would only stop when I would open my eyes and just focus on the white board beneath me.  I kept thinking I would throw up if I didn't keep my eyes open but it felt so good to just let go and float.  It occurred to me that this is how this journey is going to be.  I will mostly feel like I'm floating out of control.  I will mostly want to feel like I'm floating instead of feeling all the yucky stuff that is surely to come.  But I have to keep my eyes open and focused to get healthy.  We have to stay focused on our Redeemer to guide us through this.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

This has been my favorite verse for a long time, and with all that's riding around on that carousel of thought in my brain right now, this is one of the only ones I can remember when I'm really scared or feel like things are starting to close in on me again.  I'm just thankful to God that he made the one I can remember be one that fits the situation and calms me down!

So the nitty gritty for those that don't know........I've been diagnosed with clinical stage 1 breast cancer.  I'm most likely having another biopsy tomorrow for something else that showed up on the MRI, which we pray is nothing.  If it's nothing, I will have surgery to remove the original tumor on Tuesday and then have radiation treatments, possibly chemo (we pray not), and then Tamoxifen for the next 5 years.  On paper it all seems like it will not be that bad, but I have a feeling we're in for a ride!

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

(thank you Amber)

No weapon formed against you......

Isaiah 54:17

(thank you Hollie)