a new journey and being grateful

This is the project I was working on.  I had worked on it for a few hours yesterday afternoon and had to put it on hold to get to Walmart and then to pick up the boys from school.  I came back to it, just like this, after getting the boys thinking I really wanted to get it done so that the Easter wreath could come off the door (thought my neighbors would be especially excited about that).  And this is what it still looks like tonight at 10:21 pm.  Because right as I walked into the office to start in on it yesterday, the phone rang and our lives became a whirlwind.

This is the picture of our life now.  I have two oncologists now.  I didn't know you would ever need more than one oncologist.  I'm incredibly grateful for them, for their compassionate nurses, for their honesty, for them giving me new reading material (not really, I'd rather be reading my Miss Julia book, but I am grateful for resources right at my hand), for their willingness to rearrange their schedules to see us today. 

I'm grateful for my ob-gyn who believed me enough and cared enough to send me on to get further testing. 

I'm grateful for Nurse Becky at the women's center, who was so sick about the results of my biopsy that she could hardly stand it and has been with me from the beginning and somehow is always there when I need her. 

I'm grateful for MRI techs who are understanding when I try to faint because they put an IV in me.  I'm grateful that they keep talking to me and don't take offense when I just look at them with a glazed over look and really don't care what they're talking about because I really just want to not have to have an IV or an MRI or any other acronym and just want the tumor to go away and be a fibroadenoma like it was supposed to be. 

I'm grateful for one of my best friends also being my neighbor.  I'm grateful that she loves me so much that she took my boys yesterday just minutes after I got off the phone and kept them until I could get myself together.  I'm grateful that she just sat and listened to me and let me just be at her kitchen island, sitting there, trying to process everything, to let me be normal and have a much-needed normal girlfriend talk while still talking about the "what now".   I'm grateful that she took them to school for me this morning and will pick them up tomorrow afternoon, even though she has four kids of her own and her husband is out of town.  I love her so much!

I'm grateful for friends texting me and praying for me and emailing me and praying for me and not resting all day till they knew we were okay. 

I'm grateful for my parents and my sisters and my in-laws.  Grateful for them checking up on us, for being just as upset as we are, for making me laugh.  For saying things even when they didn't know what to say.

I'm grateful for my husband who has been with me ever since I had to call him at work yesterday to tell him our life just turned upside down.  I'm grateful for him being there to hear what the doctors said while I was brushing tears away, while I was still trying to figure out what Her 2 Neu meant and having to ask the doctor to explain the chart again.  I'm grateful that he remembered things that I didn't.  I'm grateful that he's scared too and makes it very clear that we're in this journey together.  I'm grateful that he loves me and tells me every single day.

I'm grateful for two incredibly strong women in my life who can always throw out a verse for whatever situation I'm in and this time is no different (I'll put them at the bottom). 

I'm grateful for boys who don't really understand exactly what it means that their mom has cancer but that they pray for me anyway, just like their dad models it, and then are incredibly interested to know about what kinds of knives and stitches and holes are going to be involved in the surgery (as long as mom doesn't feel anything, of course).

And so our lives have turned into daily doctor visits or procedures.  They're being aggressive about the treatment and we are on board with it.  It's just really surreal to us.  As I was lying in the MRI today, with my head down, eyes closed, listening to the incredibly loud humming and clanking I started to feel like I was floating like you do when you're in the deep end of the pool and you just let go and start floating but not on your back, but more like a slow motion spin, just a free-fall type of floating.  That feeling would only stop when I would open my eyes and just focus on the white board beneath me.  I kept thinking I would throw up if I didn't keep my eyes open but it felt so good to just let go and float.  It occurred to me that this is how this journey is going to be.  I will mostly feel like I'm floating out of control.  I will mostly want to feel like I'm floating instead of feeling all the yucky stuff that is surely to come.  But I have to keep my eyes open and focused to get healthy.  We have to stay focused on our Redeemer to guide us through this.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

This has been my favorite verse for a long time, and with all that's riding around on that carousel of thought in my brain right now, this is one of the only ones I can remember when I'm really scared or feel like things are starting to close in on me again.  I'm just thankful to God that he made the one I can remember be one that fits the situation and calms me down!

So the nitty gritty for those that don't know........I've been diagnosed with clinical stage 1 breast cancer.  I'm most likely having another biopsy tomorrow for something else that showed up on the MRI, which we pray is nothing.  If it's nothing, I will have surgery to remove the original tumor on Tuesday and then have radiation treatments, possibly chemo (we pray not), and then Tamoxifen for the next 5 years.  On paper it all seems like it will not be that bad, but I have a feeling we're in for a ride!

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

(thank you Amber)

No weapon formed against you......

Isaiah 54:17

(thank you Hollie)