adding sunshine

to my day Friday.......

flowers from Mom and Dad

 flowers from my Newman House girls

Love how bright and cheery both of these are!  And something fresh and clean and new {especially since the dust is starting to build up everywhere else around the house :) }

My good good friend came over and spent the morning just chatting with me.  It had been too long since either of us had slowed down and just really talked to each other, and it was so good to talk to her.  Her little girl gave me a hug as soon as she saw me (loved that!), and then later created this beautiful picture of her and I.  Elliott noticed that she even put me in an orange dress, my favorite color right now.  I love it and am keeping it forever!

Also got to get out of the house and actually see people that don't necessarily have any medical degrees.  Our table did not win the trivia night, but it was way fun and all of the teens who worked the night ended up making enough money from it to pay their entire way to CIY this year.  What an awesome group of teens that I feel incredibly priveledged to be just a small part of their lives.  They are going to do great things (already are doing great things), and I can't wait to see what they are!

good news

We got the results of the second round of biopsies earlier today, and those were benign!  So thankful to God for good news today!

Still won't know until Monday if the surgery is still on for Tuesday.  Please just pray for wisdom as the doctors have the tumor conference on Monday.  Also for wisdom for us as we make decisions in the process.  We will definitely keep you updated.

I'll write more tomorrow, but going to sleep for now.

two more today

Two more blessings today. 

One | Our friend, Annette, brought us a real home-cooked meal tonight.  Oh my goodness it was so so so so good to eat real food.  And really good real food, too!!!!  She was such a sweetheart and I cannot thank her enough. Thank you thank you thank you Annette!  My kids want to come eat at your house now :)

Two| I had a really good chat with the sonographer at the women's center today.  Kristen.  She has always been super sweet and caring, but we started talking about music which led to a conversation about our mutual trust in God.  She said she had been praying for me.  I was stunned.  Not that she had been praying, but that she remembered me, even after she went home at night.  I always feel like I'm just one of hundreds, thousands that walk through the doors of a doctor's office and most likely forgotten about until the next visit (not in a rude way, just a that's-how-it-is way).  But she was totally serious and sincere when she said it and asked about my family and we talked about how everyone was dealing with everything and she said she would pray for them too.  Then she said "Jonica you are being so strong through all of this.  You are really glorifying Christ through this".  So then I had to cry.  I didn't feel strong.  But I was so grateful for her saying that because I so want to glorify Christ through everything in my life and it was such a great eye opener that not only was He going to be our Rock through this but that He has a  purpose for us in every little thing, every little procedure, every chat, whatever is coming in the next weeks.  And it's His purpose.  And it's still up to us to fulfill those purposes.  And she and I both knew that I wasn't being strong on my own, I was being strong because I'm not even standing on my own two feet.  I'm leaning on Him - makes it so much easier to laugh and smile and be hopeful in an incredibly scary and crazy time.

Two more biopsies today.

But the good news is that they really think that these two spots found on the MRI are just lymph nodes and nothing abnormal.  We will hopefully find out tomorrow, but it could be Monday.  If either of them show any cancerous cells, the surgery will not happen Tuesday and will be rescheduled after we all figure out the next course of action.  And we're not sure what that is.  So we'll wait and see.  We're still so very thankful that it was caught so early.  I was wondering today how many women get the same news we got, only theirs is advanced stages with very different prognoses.  My heart breaks for them and their families.  And I think of my sweet sweet friend who was diagnosed with leukemia when she was only 4!  It's hard to deal with at 36 and I can't imagine 4!  She was such a trooper and I will battle this everyday thinking of how strong she has been through her entire struggle and what a blessing she and her family has been to me.

Before I got to the women's center today I selfishly hoped they wouldn't be able to see the spot on the ultrasound.  I knew if they couldn't see it they wouldn't do the biopsy.  Not having to hear that clunking needle was fine with me :)  But Nurse Becky let me know really quickly, yet with the sweetest voice and the most obvious "girl-you-really-don't-want-that-to-be-the-case" look on her face, that the next step would probably be an MRI-guided biopsy instead of ultrasound-guided.  Oh........NO!  Not the clunking needle with the fainting girl and the horribly loud humming of the MRI that makes me feel like I'm floating in space with no where to go.  I prayed really hard right there that the ultrasound would be bright and clear!  It was.  And this time, since the spots were smaller, I got to hear clunking AND a drilling sound with this biopsy needle.  I was a bit unnerved at first, but honestly it wasn't all that bad.  I already knew what to expect, and I would do this 10 times before having to do the IV and the MRI again.  Besides, during an MRI you can't talk about Survivor, Amazing Race, being from the South, good books, and how happy 2 of us were that JoyFM had bought the new station.  An MRI is just bad headphones with a bad connection to the satellite radio so that in addition to the horribly loud humming you hear what sounds like broken up pipe organ music.

We also talked about the "tumor conference".  One of the oncologists mentioned it yesterday, so I asked Nurse Becky about it today.  I want to laugh every time someone says it.  All I can hear is Arnold Schwarzennegar's voice saying "tumor conference" in my head.  I don't know why.  But it makes me laugh and I try not to because it's obviously way more serious than that.  But it's funny, right?  Anyway, all 5 or 6 of the doctors get together on Monday and talk about my case.  I told them to talk nice and say only good things.  They promised they would try.  I wish I could hear what they say.

I'm really tired tonight.  The lidocaine wore off hours ago and I'm really sore from the biopsies.  Brian had to work till 9 tonight so it was only me gearing up for the bedtime routine.  The boys are so good, but there's just something totally exhausting about bedtime to me.

My good friend, Lisa, sent me this verse tonight.....

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

braver than i

Seriously I would have never thought that Elliott would have been the one to be begging to hold all the reptiles at Will's party this weekend!  And Ethan wanted to wait until another time to try them all out.  Talk about a role reversal!  Will's party was so much fun, and Elliott has been talking about it ever since.  It really was awesome - the Reptile guy did such a great job keeping their attention and teaching them facts about each creature.  I was totally impressed.  Well worth the money, I say, Amanda!

Look at them!  Get this, the guy said that this Anaconda is one of the sweetest and nicest he's ever met.  I still wasn't convinced.  But I was so excited for Will.  He had been talking about this party for weeks and it was the perfect thing for him!

I don't even want to go near the retention pond by my in-laws where a gator supposedly suns itself frequently (never gotten close enough to see it myself and never will).  Certainly don't want it on my head, but Will was all about it!  Happy birthday guy!

a new journey and being grateful

This is the project I was working on.  I had worked on it for a few hours yesterday afternoon and had to put it on hold to get to Walmart and then to pick up the boys from school.  I came back to it, just like this, after getting the boys thinking I really wanted to get it done so that the Easter wreath could come off the door (thought my neighbors would be especially excited about that).  And this is what it still looks like tonight at 10:21 pm.  Because right as I walked into the office to start in on it yesterday, the phone rang and our lives became a whirlwind.

This is the picture of our life now.  I have two oncologists now.  I didn't know you would ever need more than one oncologist.  I'm incredibly grateful for them, for their compassionate nurses, for their honesty, for them giving me new reading material (not really, I'd rather be reading my Miss Julia book, but I am grateful for resources right at my hand), for their willingness to rearrange their schedules to see us today. 

I'm grateful for my ob-gyn who believed me enough and cared enough to send me on to get further testing. 

I'm grateful for Nurse Becky at the women's center, who was so sick about the results of my biopsy that she could hardly stand it and has been with me from the beginning and somehow is always there when I need her. 

I'm grateful for MRI techs who are understanding when I try to faint because they put an IV in me.  I'm grateful that they keep talking to me and don't take offense when I just look at them with a glazed over look and really don't care what they're talking about because I really just want to not have to have an IV or an MRI or any other acronym and just want the tumor to go away and be a fibroadenoma like it was supposed to be. 

I'm grateful for one of my best friends also being my neighbor.  I'm grateful that she loves me so much that she took my boys yesterday just minutes after I got off the phone and kept them until I could get myself together.  I'm grateful that she just sat and listened to me and let me just be at her kitchen island, sitting there, trying to process everything, to let me be normal and have a much-needed normal girlfriend talk while still talking about the "what now".   I'm grateful that she took them to school for me this morning and will pick them up tomorrow afternoon, even though she has four kids of her own and her husband is out of town.  I love her so much!

I'm grateful for friends texting me and praying for me and emailing me and praying for me and not resting all day till they knew we were okay. 

I'm grateful for my parents and my sisters and my in-laws.  Grateful for them checking up on us, for being just as upset as we are, for making me laugh.  For saying things even when they didn't know what to say.

I'm grateful for my husband who has been with me ever since I had to call him at work yesterday to tell him our life just turned upside down.  I'm grateful for him being there to hear what the doctors said while I was brushing tears away, while I was still trying to figure out what Her 2 Neu meant and having to ask the doctor to explain the chart again.  I'm grateful that he remembered things that I didn't.  I'm grateful that he's scared too and makes it very clear that we're in this journey together.  I'm grateful that he loves me and tells me every single day.

I'm grateful for two incredibly strong women in my life who can always throw out a verse for whatever situation I'm in and this time is no different (I'll put them at the bottom). 

I'm grateful for boys who don't really understand exactly what it means that their mom has cancer but that they pray for me anyway, just like their dad models it, and then are incredibly interested to know about what kinds of knives and stitches and holes are going to be involved in the surgery (as long as mom doesn't feel anything, of course).

And so our lives have turned into daily doctor visits or procedures.  They're being aggressive about the treatment and we are on board with it.  It's just really surreal to us.  As I was lying in the MRI today, with my head down, eyes closed, listening to the incredibly loud humming and clanking I started to feel like I was floating like you do when you're in the deep end of the pool and you just let go and start floating but not on your back, but more like a slow motion spin, just a free-fall type of floating.  That feeling would only stop when I would open my eyes and just focus on the white board beneath me.  I kept thinking I would throw up if I didn't keep my eyes open but it felt so good to just let go and float.  It occurred to me that this is how this journey is going to be.  I will mostly feel like I'm floating out of control.  I will mostly want to feel like I'm floating instead of feeling all the yucky stuff that is surely to come.  But I have to keep my eyes open and focused to get healthy.  We have to stay focused on our Redeemer to guide us through this.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

This has been my favorite verse for a long time, and with all that's riding around on that carousel of thought in my brain right now, this is one of the only ones I can remember when I'm really scared or feel like things are starting to close in on me again.  I'm just thankful to God that he made the one I can remember be one that fits the situation and calms me down!

So the nitty gritty for those that don't know........I've been diagnosed with clinical stage 1 breast cancer.  I'm most likely having another biopsy tomorrow for something else that showed up on the MRI, which we pray is nothing.  If it's nothing, I will have surgery to remove the original tumor on Tuesday and then have radiation treatments, possibly chemo (we pray not), and then Tamoxifen for the next 5 years.  On paper it all seems like it will not be that bad, but I have a feeling we're in for a ride!

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

(thank you Amber)

No weapon formed against you......

Isaiah 54:17

(thank you Hollie)

babies

Well, we watched and watched.  For over 2 weeks we watched through the window every day, several times a day in hopes of catching a glimpse of hatching eggs.  That was probably wishful thinking.  But the bird just kept sitting there.  I'm telling you she is the most diligent sitter I've ever seen!  She would make a great artist's model.  But yesterday she flew away for a moment and the papa bird came to watch over the eggs while she left and this is what I was fortunate to see.

BABIES!!!!  So adorable......and I'm guessing from the size of them that they hatched a few days ago.  Mama dove came back and I got to see her feed them through the window.  I was wishing so much that the boys were there to watch too.  They had been so excited about the whole thing.  I'm hoping that in a few days they'll be big enough to move around and she won't have to sit so close to them all the time so we can get more glimpses of them.

Then yesterday evening our boys and the Adams boys came running to tell us that they found another nest.  Sure enough, it's like a bird sanctuary in our backyard!

These cuties are soooo tiny.  They must have just hatched.  Of course I know very little about birds, so maybe not.  They're tiny though.  One of them didn't make it so we had a little burial for it, and Luke and Elliott even put a makeshift stick gravemarker in the ground so we would remember.  Maybe a little influence from Grandpa?

nesting

A little over a year ago we had some trees planted in the backyard.  I was so excited, because before there was just grass and all of my neighbors' houses.  I wanted some nature.  Unfortunately, and this is something I didn't think about, trees attract birds.  Go figure.  I love the sound of birds singing and I enjoy sitting on the patio watching them.  But last year you may remember that some very impolite birds made their home under our deck.  Every time we walked out onto the deck or patio they would start swarming around you.  Brian could hardly mow the grass for being beat up by the birds.  We were so glad when their offspring were old enough to fly and they moved on to better places!

So a couple of days ago Brian opened the garage door to find 2 doves flying haphazardly in the garage.  They couldn't figure out how to get out of the garage and just kept perching on top of the open garage door.  He made a run for it to get in the car without being attacked, leaving me to fend for myself - nice, huh? 

So I thought I would just keep opening and closing the garage door (you have to picture me standing in the laundry room with the door cracked just enough to allow one arm to reach out into the garage and around to the wall where the opener was and quickly closing the door after pushing the button just in case they decided to find more luxurious accomodations inside the house - pretty talented, huh?).  I'm pretty sure that idea only accomplished making the neighbors think I was crazy.  So I got some suggestions from Facebook (where else?) about what to do and went back thinking I would throw crumbs on the driveway and they would be good little birds and go eat so I could close the door and be safe from the ferocious birds.  But when I went back they were gone!  Yes!  So I just shut the door and vowed not to ever keep it open again.

So a few hours later I see the pair in one of my flower pots on the deck.  It actually has a small tree in it to create some privacy.  I had a little talk with them through the window and I was pretty sure we had an understaning about not trying to take over the garage again and under NO circumstances were they to even THINK about making a nest anywhere around here!!!

They obviously didn't understand.

 The boys and their friends found this in that same flower pot where the doves were supposedly listening to the policies that apply to birds around here.

And here is the mama keeping the eggs warm.  I guess it's the mama anyway.  Maybe that daddy is the incubator in dove world.  Anyway, one of them is taking care of the kiddos.  Makes me wonder where the other one went.  But it looks like we have visitors for a while.  It's been fun for the boys to watch, and at least they are not the crazy attack birds from last year!  I do wish they were better listeners though.